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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28491105">ditto</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie'>NerdsbianHokie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ditto [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A LOT of Angst, Abuse, Alex is married with a kid, But with a happy ending, Director Sanvers Warmth, F/F, Other, again WARNINGS IN AUTHOR'S NOTES, but the kid is very very good, endings and beginnings, it isn't a good marriage, more detailed warnings inside so i don't clog up the tags, please read them</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:47:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,336</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28491105</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"The doctor is probably going to put a cast on your arm. Do you know what that is?"<br/>He shook his head.<br/>"They're going to put a hard case around your arm, to keep it still so your bones can heal properly."<br/>"Turt?"<br/>She laughed. "Yeah, like a turtle shell. You'll be able to draw on it and Daddy can draw on it and I can draw on it."<br/>"Turt?"<br/>"Yeah, Dit, I'll draw a turtle."<br/>He smiled, his first since she had reached him outside.<br/>"I'll draw you so many turtles," she continued. "I'll draw them on the cast, then I'll draw them here," she poked his stomach. "And here," his cheek.<br/>He giggled, then hiccoughed. He wiped at the tears again before poking her cheek as well.<br/>"An' here," he said.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane/Maggie Sawyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ditto [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120877</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>159</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I started working on this in 2019 and after the DS event was decided, I decided that I would finish this for it. I'm a few days late, but I got it!</p><p>This is not a light, happy fic. It deals with some heavy topics and has some rough scenes. I'm going to give a few warnings here, but will give more detailed stuff in the end note if you want more understanding of what goes on before reading. Take care of yourself, if this isn't a fic you want to or can read, don't.</p><p>Warnings: Spousal abuse, gaslighting, threat of child abuse, anti-semitism</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You need to head out."</p><p>Lucy groaned, dropped her head to Maggie's shoulder as Maggie stepped up to her. "I don't want to."</p><p>She sounded like a child, and she knew it, but she really did not want to go to the company Christmas party. She wanted to stay in her own kitchen, in her girlfriend’s arms, and not pretend she still celebrated Christmas.</p><p>“I know,” Maggie said. “But you need to. Just a few hours, then you can come back and we’ll watch <em> Hocus Pocus </em> again even though it's December.”</p><p>Lucy snorted, chuckled for a moment, then went silent again. “I wish you could just come with me.”</p><p>“I do too.”</p><p>Lucy sighed. Her next words were on the tip of her tongue when Maggie pulled back enough to look her in the eyes.</p><p>“Don’t apologize again. It’s not your fault we can’t be out. You didn’t write that law or anything.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>Maggie kissed her, soft and warm and something for her to hold onto as she braved the heterosexual nest she was about to jump into.</p><p>“Maybe one day, we’ll be able to be out and I’ll be able to go with you, or we’ll host these things ourselves and show all those poor straight ladies what they’re missing out on.”</p><p>Lucy laughed. “We are never hosting a company party.”</p><p>“Oh thank god. I was trying to be supportive but the thought of hosting is actually terrifying.”</p><p>Lucy laughed again, kissed Maggie.</p><p>“Now go,” Maggie said. “Or you’ll be late and will have to deal with your father getting on your case over it.”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>Lucy couldn’t help the way she softened at the words. She kissed Maggie. “I love you, too.”</p><p>“Drive safe, babe.”</p><p>“I will.”</p><p>She did, mostly, until she had realized how close she was cutting it and pushed it just a little faster. She pulled into her parent’s driveway just minutes before she was expected to arrive, and could already hear her father’s admonishments.</p><p>Early is on time.</p><p>On time is late.</p><p>Late is dead.</p><p>She took a deep breath and walked up the path.</p><p>The house was decorated as it was every year. Simple white lights, a wreath in every window, garland wrapped around the posts. Tastefully elegant, her mother had once called it.</p><p>Her mother, who was opening the door before Lucy reached it and pulled Lucy into a hug before either said a word.</p><p>“Your father is in the lounge,” her mother said as she pulled back. “I’ll be in the kitchen finishing up the food.”</p><p>Lucy nodded. She stored her purse in the front closet, then made her way to the lounge.</p><p>“You’re late,” her father said.</p><p>“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, jumping in to help him move the marble table across the room. She only got the gist of what he kept saying, her attention more focused on not falling because of her heels.</p><p>More people had been invited than in years past, more children would be there, nothing better break. The yard had been set up for the kids to play in, with a borrowed playset and all.</p><p>It was another hour and a half of helping her parents prepare before the first guests started to arrive. A mix of officers and NCOs, some she recognized, some she didn’t. The yells of children from outside mingled with the chatter and soft music inside.</p><p>Lucy kept conversation light, brushed off some flirting from single officers who thought she was single, then felt a small amount of relief when she noticed Vasquez walk in.</p><p>“Captain,” Vasquez said when they met up in a corner of the lounge.</p><p>Lucy raised an eyebrow. “Staff Sergeant.”</p><p>Vasquez smirked. “Alone tonight?”</p><p>“Tonight and always.”</p><p>Vasquez laughed, swirled the glass of champagne they had grabbed. “How many have tried to ask you out so far?”</p><p>“One is too many, and it’s been more than one.”</p><p>“Can you blame them when you look like that?” Vasquez asked, dropping their voice.</p><p>“Don’t you start too. Maybe I just wanted to impress at home before coming.”</p><p>“Oh, I’m sure you will tonight.”</p><p>Lucy closed her eyes, took a deep breath. “I hate you.”</p><p>“No you don’t.”</p><p>“No, but sometimes I wish I did.”</p><p>“No you don’t.”</p><p>Lucy laughed.</p><p>“Shit,” Vasquez murmured. “Is that Malverne’s wife?”</p><p>Lucy followed Vasquez’s gaze. “Fuck.”</p><p>The woman was beautiful. If it wasn’t for the child she was holding hands with, or Malverne’s arm around her waist, Lucy would have never guessed she was with him.</p><p>“I guarantee she’s too good for him,” Vasquez murmured.</p><p>“Any woman is too good for him,” Lucy said.</p><p>They watched as she took the boy’s coat off and went to pick him up, only to stop when Malverne said something in her ear. He led her and the boy around the room, introducing them to various people.</p><p>“I hate him,” Vasquez muttered into their glass before taking a sip. “It’s like they’re just trophies to him.”</p><p>“I bet that’s exactly how he sees them,” Lucy said.</p><p>“Why won’t he let her pick the kid up?” Vasquez asked after the boy tripped over his own feet, not for the first time.</p><p>“Hell if I know. Some macho bullshit, probably.”</p><p>Then Malverne vanished, leaving his wife and kid alone in the crowd. She crouched next to the boy, saying something that made him shake his head. Eventually, she stood, lifting him with her. She looked around, clearly lost.</p><p>Lucy raised a hand to get her attention, gestured her over.</p><p>She smiled at them with relief as she walked up. “Hi, I’m Alex Malverne,” She said, holding a hand out.</p><p>They each shook her hand.</p><p>“Lucy Lane.”</p><p>“Susan Vasquez.”</p><p>Recognition crossed her face. “Captain Lane, yeah? And Staff Sergeant Vasquez?”</p><p>“I don’t know if I should be flattered or concerned,” Lucy said.</p><p>Alex flushed, shifted uncomfortably.</p><p>“You’re fine,” Lucy said. “We know what he thinks of us.” She looked at the kid, face buried in Alex’s neck. “Who’s this?”</p><p>Alex smiled, the discomfort easing as she turned her attention to her son. “This is Ditto.” She nudged him gently. “Can you say hi, Ditto?”</p><p>He turned his head enough to look at them, large brown eyes nearly covered by dark curls. He waved at them, then curled his fingers into a fist and went to stick his thumb in his mouth.</p><p>“No, baby,” Alex said. “You can’t do that anymore, remember?”</p><p>His face scrunched up, then he turned back into her, reaching up to grab some of her hair instead.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” she said. “He doesn’t like strange places.”</p><p>“It’s alright,” Vasquez said. “How old is he?”</p><p>“Two. I’m hoping he grows out of it before Rick’s next duty station, this last move was rough enough.”</p><p>“Kids get used to it,” Lucy said. “We moved every few years when I was growing up, it becomes normal.”</p><p>Alex sighed. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Have you moved much?” Lucy asked.</p><p>"Not really, we're both from California to begin with and we didn't go with Rick to his last duty station.”</p><p>“You’ll get used to it, too.”</p><p>The conversation flowed easily.</p><p>Alex was funny, smart, clearly devoted to her son, and Lucy could not figure out how someone like her had ended up with Malverne.</p><p>Then the man himself reappeared, arm around Alex, and Alex completely shifted. She pulled into herself, expression going dark for a moment before shifting to a forced smile. Her hold on Ditto tightened, secured him closer to herself.</p><p>“Shouldn’t Ditto be out playing with the other kids?” Rick asked.</p><p>“He didn’t want to go,” she said. “And they’re all bigger than him, he won’t be able to keep up.”</p><p>“He never will if you keep babying him.”</p><p>“Rick, the youngest kid out there is at least five.”</p><p>“So it’ll toughen him up. He has to toughen up if he wants to be a soldier like his daddy, right bud?”</p><p>There was no response from Ditto.</p><p>Malverne sighed. “Give him to me.”</p><p>“Rick.”</p><p>“Now.”</p><p>Alex didn’t hand him over, but didn’t fight when Malverne pulled Ditto from her arms.</p><p>“Go with Daddy, baby,” she said as the boy protested.</p><p>Then he was gone again, heading towards the door to the backyard.</p><p>Alex shifted her weight from foot to foot, arms wrapping around herself.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” she said. “I..uh...if you’ll excuse me.”</p><p>Then she was gone as well, vanishing into another part of the house.</p><p>“That wasn’t good,” Vasquez said.</p><p>“No, it wasn’t,” Lucy agreed.</p><p>“Like, Luce, if he makes it clear how he feels about women at work...” they trailed off.</p><p>Lucy handed them her glass. “I’ll be back.” And she followed Alex’s path.</p><p>-o-</p><p>Alex paced back and forth across the...well, she didn’t actually know what the room she was in was, but she paced and fought to keep her breathing calm and tears at bay.</p><p>Fuck, she was a mess. Their first social event since moving to National City and she was hiding in a random room upstairs. She needed to hold it together. For Ditto. For Rick.</p><p>For herself.</p><p>Because if Rick saw her like this, if Rick wasn’t calmed by the time they got home…</p><p>She stopped pacing, sat on the small couch - an upstairs lounge, maybe? - head in her hands. She could turn it around, stay by his side the rest of the night, smile and talk him up and then maybe it would be alright.</p><p>Soft knocks at the door made her jump. She stood, hands wringing as Captain Lane stepped inside.</p><p>Alex had learned to not trust Rick’s complaints, but the Captain still wasn’t like she had expected. Kind, funny, caring.</p><p>And so pretty.</p><p>“Um...Lu...Captain...um…”</p><p>“Lucy’s fine,” Lucy cut through her stammering. “I just wanted to come check on you.”</p><p>“Oh. I’m...I’m fine. Perfect, really.”</p><p>Lucy clearly didn’t believe her. She crossed the room to a small desk, started writing on a piece of paper.</p><p>“The unfortunate truth is,” Lucy started. “That a lot of servicemen are not good husbands.”</p><p>“Oh, Rick isn’t…”</p><p>“I don’t know everything about your marriage,” Lucy pushed forward. She folded the paper, stepped towards Alex. “But even just from what I know of him at work, it doesn’t seem good.”</p><p>“It’s fine,” Alex said. She forced anger over the fear curdling in her stomach. “Who do you think you are? My marriage is fine.”</p><p>“I hope so. But if it isn’t…” Lucy held out the folded paper. “My number, and address, just in case.”</p><p>Alex stared at the paper.</p><p>“Take it either way,” Lucy said. “Even if you and Rick are wonderful, you seem like you can use some friends.”</p><p>A long moment hovered between them, then Alex reached out and took the paper. She slid it into her clutch, behind a picture of Ditto.</p><p>A scream tore through the air, sending ice through her veins. She was moving without another thought.</p><p>Down the stairs.</p><p>Through the crowd.</p><p>Into the backyard.</p><p>A mass of people had gathered next to the playset, screams and cries still coming from where they stood.</p><p>She fought her way to the center, heart breaking at the sight of Ditto on the ground, tears streaming down his cheeks, blood welling up from a scrape down the side of his face.</p><p>“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay,” she murmured as she knelt next to him. “Mommy’s here, it’ll be okay.”</p><p>He stopped crying long enough to look up at her, then started again, holding his left arm up. Alex didn't like the way he held his other arm close to him as she picked him up.</p><p>He clung to her with his good arm, whimpering as she walked him into the house. The group of parents parted around her. She couldn’t help but shoot a glare towards Rick standing to the side.</p><p>“Is he okay?” Ella Lane asked, rushing towards her.</p><p>“He will be. Is there anywhere I can look him over? I think he hurt his arm,” Alex said.</p><p>“Yes, of course.”</p><p>She was led to a bathroom with a tub in the corner and a large vanity.</p><p>“There is a first aid kit…” Ella said, looking through the cabinets. “Here.” She set the kit on the vanity counter and opened it. “Would you like some help, dear?”</p><p>Alex shook her head. “Thank you, but I’ve got it. I went to medical school once upon a time, and he’s shy. He’ll react better if it’s just me.”</p><p>“Alright, just let us know if you need anything.”</p><p>“I will.”</p><p>Ella left, closing the door behind her.</p><p>Alex set Ditto on the counter next to the kit, then brushed some of his hair out of his eyes.</p><p>“I’m going to clean your face, then I’ll look at your arm, okay, Dit?”</p><p>He sniffled. “Hurts.”</p><p>“I know it hurts, baby, I’ll try to make it better.”</p><p>He nodded solemnly.</p><p>Alex pressed a kiss to his forehead before getting to work. She cleaned out the scrape, wiped it gently with disinfectant, talking to him through all of it to keep him calm. Once she had put a bandaid over the worst part of the scrape, she kissed his forehead again.</p><p>“Can I look at your arm now?”</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>“I need to take your shirt off, okay?”</p><p>He nodded again.</p><p>“Can you tell me what happened?” she asked as she unbuttoned his shirt.</p><p>“Fell,” he said.</p><p>“From the playset?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Do you know where Daddy was?”</p><p>She guided his good arm through the sleeve, doing her best to not jostle the other.</p><p>“I dun’ know,” Ditto said.</p><p>“He left you to play, huh.”</p><p>“Uh-huh. With big kids.”</p><p>Alex sighed. She slowly pulled the other sleeve off, giving Ditto reassurances as he reacted to the pain. When his arm was free, she cursed internally.</p><p>His arm was clearly broken, a mottled bruising spreading from a deformity on his forearm.</p><p>Ditto’s breathing turned erratic, pulling Alex’s attention away from his arm. He was staring at his arm, tears starting to fall again. She curled a finger under his chin and pulled his attention away as well.</p><p>“You’re okay,” she said. “You will be okay. I know it hurts and it looks weird, but it will be okay. Okay?"</p><p>He nodded, wiped at some of the tears with his good hand.</p><p>"Oh, my brave boy." She kissed his forehead again, wiped some of the tears away herself. "We'll have to take you to the doctor."</p><p>He whined.</p><p>"I know, but they will make your arm feel better."</p><p>She glanced at the door as someone knocked. "Occupied," she called out, then started to dig through the first aid kit for something she could immobilise his arm with.</p><p>The door opened, she turned to tell the person to leave, then rolled her eyes as Rick walked in.</p><p>"How is he?"</p><p>"His arm is broken," she said.</p><p>"Oh, bud," he said, stepping closer. "I bet that hurts, doesn't it?"</p><p>Ditto nodded.</p><p>"Can you go ask if there is anything we can use as a makeshift splint?" Alex asked, pulling a roll of Ace bandages out. "We need to immobilise it so it doesn't get worse before we get to the hospital."</p><p>"The hospital? Ally, come on, is that necessary?"</p><p>She turned to him incredulously. "Yes. Look at his arm, Rick. It needs to be set and cast."</p><p>He let out a deep breath. "Fine, I'll go see what I can find."</p><p>He let the door slightly open behind him.</p><p>Alex brushed some of Ditto's hair back. "You're being so good for me, baby," she said. "When Daddy gets back, I'm going to tie something to your arm, so when we drive to the doctor, it won't hurt as much, okay?"</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>"The doctor is probably going to put a cast on your arm. Do you know what that is?"</p><p>He shook his head.</p><p>"They're going to put a hard case around your arm, to keep it still so your bones can heal properly."</p><p>"Turt?"</p><p>She laughed. "Yeah, like a turtle shell. You'll be able to draw on it and Daddy and I can draw on it."</p><p>"Turt?"</p><p>"Yeah, Dit, I'll draw a turtle."</p><p>He smiled, his first since she had reached him outside.</p><p>"I'll draw you so many turtles," she continued. "I'll draw them on the cast, then I'll draw them here," she poked his stomach. "And here," his cheek.</p><p>He giggled, then hiccoughed. He wiped at the tears again before poking her cheek as well.</p><p>"An' here," he said.</p><p>She laughed. "You'll have to draw that one, Dit. You think you can?"</p><p>He nodded, then poked other parts of her face. "An' here, an' here, an' here."</p><p>"Wow, all over, huh?"</p><p>“Turt mommy.”</p><p>“You’re gunna make me a turtle mommy?”</p><p>“Uh-huh.”</p><p>“Then I guess that makes you my turtle baby.”</p><p>“Nooo!”</p><p>“No? Then what are you?”</p><p>“Turt!”</p><p>“Oh, you’re just a turtle, not a turtle baby?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Okay, my turtle boy."</p><p>The door was pushed open. She looked over to Rick walking back in, closely followed by Ella and Sam Lane.</p><p>"How is he doing?" Ella asked, stepping around Rick.</p><p>"He'll be okay," Alex said, brushing a finger through some of Ditto's curls. "But his arm is broken."</p><p>"Your husband mentioned needing something for a splint. Would this work?" Ella held out a wooden spoon, clearly well used.</p><p>"It would," Alex said, slowly taking it. "But you might not get it back."</p><p>"Oh, that's alright, dear. Anything that can help him."</p><p>"Thank you so much." Alex turned back to Ditto. "I'm going to wrap this to your arm, okay?"</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>"It is going to hurt, baby, but I need to do it."</p><p>He glanced to the side - to his father, she knew - and nodded again.</p><p>"Okay, baby, I'm going to start now."</p><p>She lined the spoon up, then started to wrap it to his arm with the ace bandage. She worked steadily, but carefully, talking to him through it all, reassuring him with every whimper and cry.</p><p>"There you go, baby," she said as she fastened the end. "Now I'm going to use your shirt to hold your arm in a way that should hurt less."</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>"You're doing so good, Ditto," she said. She grabbed his shirt, started to fashion it into a sling. "You're so brave. I know it hurts so much, and you're so good, letting me help you."</p><p>"I cream?"</p><p>"Yeah, baby, we can get you ice cream after seeing the doctor." She tied the shirt sleeves behind his neck, gently helping his arm settle. "There you go. It's time to get you to the doctor, okay?"</p><p>He nodded. She picked him up and he curled easily into her, wrapping his unbroken arm around her neck.</p><p>Alex turned, facing Rick and General Lane.</p><p>"Are you ready?" she asked Rick.</p><p>"Yeah. Let's go."</p><p>She trailed behind them as they walked through the house. She kept whispering to Ditto, brushing her fingers through his curls.</p><p>Ella and Lucy met them at the door, Lucy holding their jackets, Ella holding a gift bag. She handed it to Alex.</p><p>"A few gifts for him, once he's feeling better," Ella said.</p><p>"Thank you," Alex said. "Can you say thank you, Ditto?"</p><p>His head rolled on her clavicle so he could look at Ella.</p><p>"Thank you," he said, voice small.</p><p>"You're welcome, sweetheart," Ella said. "I hope you feel better soon."</p><p>He turned back into Alex.</p><p>"He will," Alex said, dropping a kiss to the top of his head.</p><p>She avoided Lucy's gaze as she followed Rick out of the house, to the car. She sat in the back of the car, holding Ditto in her lap as Rick drove.</p><p>Ditto hung onto her through the drive, as they sat in the waiting room at the hospital. He sat in her lap while the doctor examined him, set the bones back into place, got the cast on him. She managed to persuade him to sit in his car seat on the drive home, but she sat in the seat next to him.</p><p>Then finally, after a stop to get Ditto a scoop of ice cream, they were home. Alex carried him through the house, his head heavy on her shoulder as he started to fall asleep. She took him to the bathroom first, brushing his teeth, sitting him on his kiddie toilet just long enough to read his potty training book.</p><p>Once done in the bathroom, she carried him to his bedroom. She didn’t want to leave him alone, wanted to bring him to bed with her, but she knew Rick would absolutely refuse. If she was lucky, Rick wouldn’t come looking for her and she could spend the night in Ditto’s room.</p><p>She changed him into a clean diaper and pajamas, made sure he had Tsahv, his stuffed turtle, turned his nightlight on, then curled up on his toddler bed with him in her lap. She brushed some curls out of his eyes, slipped into Yiddish.</p><p>“ביסטו גרייט"</p><p>
  <em> Are you ready? </em>
</p><p>Ditto nodded. He lifted his casted arm, trying to cover his eyes despite the awkward angle. Alex helped him support his arm, then covered her own eyes.</p><p>She started to sing.</p><p>
  <em>Shema yisrael, adonai eloheinu, adonai echad</em>
</p><p>The same lullaby tune her mother had used to sing the bedtime Shema with her as a child. She smiled through the song as Ditto tried to sing along. His voice faded in and out as exhaustion from the day pulled him deeper and deeper into sleep.</p><p>He was asleep before she finished.</p><p>She held him in the silence for a few minutes before shifting so he was laying on the mattress. She carefully climbed over him, getting off the bed, then pulled the blanket up around him. She pressed a kiss to his forehead, lingering for a moment.</p><p>Then she sat on the floor, back against the side of his bed. Her head lolled back, her eyes heavy as she started to fall asleep as well.</p><p>A stream of light cut through the dark of the room.</p><p>“Ally.”</p><p>She closed her eyes as Rick’s voice cut through the silence. Maybe if she didn’t respond, he wouldn’t push.</p><p>“Now.”</p><p>Alex sighed.</p><p>He wouldn’t think about the risk of waking Ditto.</p><p>She stood, walked out of the room.</p><p>She focused on each breath she took, on the softness of the carpet beneath her bare feet, anything and everything to make time slow as she followed Rick to the master bedroom.</p><p>But time didn’t slow and it wasn’t long before she was walking into the room, before he reached out, hand wrapping around her arm to pull her all the way inside and slam her back against the door.</p><p>“What the fuck was that?” Rick hissed, pushing into her space, trapping her between him and the door.</p><p>“What was what?” she asked, forcing her voice to stay steady.</p><p>“Embarrassing me in front of the general!”</p><p>“I...I what?”</p><p>“You are my wife, Ally. How do you think it looked when you decided we were going to leave?"</p><p>"Ditto broke his arm, we had to leave."</p><p>His grip on her arm tightened. "He's a strong boy, he could have waited a bit longer."</p><p>"He's two."</p><p>"He's a boy. And that's another thing, how do you think it looked that my son can't stand a little pain?"</p><p>"A little pain? He broke his arm, even if that wasn't the worst pain he has ever felt, that's not a lit-" She cried out as his grip squeezed even tighter. "Rick, please."</p><p>He glared for a few moments before shoving her to the side.</p><p>"I'm going out," he said. He threw the door open, just barely missing her as it slammed into the wall, and he was gone.</p><p>Alex leaned against the wall, closed her eyes and breathed to try and calm herself. </p><p>He would be gone most of the night, would most likely come back too drunk to know up from down.</p><p>If she was lucky, he would drive into a tree.</p><p>She shook the thought away as soon as it appeared. No matter her feelings for him, she needed him. She and Ditto needed him.</p><p>After taking a deep breath, she pushed off of the wall, crossed the room to her dresser. She changed into her pajamas - did her best to not look at the bruise blooming around her arm - grabbed a pillow, then left the master bedroom.</p><p>Ditto was still asleep when she entered his room again. She dropped the pillow to the floor, then knelt next to his bed. She brushed her fingertips over his curls, his cheek, the nightlight casting pale blue across his skin as it sent images of turtles and fish across his walls.</p><p>She fell asleep there, kneeling with her head on the edge of his bed.</p><p>###</p><p>Lucy didn't blink. She stared at the screen, tracking every movement, change, prompt. She reacted quickly, adjusting, correcting, blocking.</p><p>One more attack and</p><p>"Ha!" Lucy jumped up, tossing the controller onto the couch behind her. "Five to nothing Lane!"</p><p>Maggie groaned, slumped back in the couch.</p><p>"Nobody likes a sore winner," she said.</p><p>"Deal with it," Lucy said. She sat back down, leaned heavily on Maggie's side. "Plus, you like me anyway, so…."</p><p>Maggie scoffed, pushed Lucy off of her. “That’s debatable.”</p><p>“Oh, you want to debate our feelings?”</p><p>“No? Why would you ever assume I want to debate anything with you? I deal with enough lawyers at work.”</p><p>“Thanks, I feel loved.”</p><p>Maggie snorted. She pulled Lucy back towards her for a kiss.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“Yeah, you do.”</p><p>Maggie rolled her eyes.</p><p>“I love you, too,” Lucy said, kissing her back. She paused when her phone buzzed on the coffee table. She reached over to grab it.</p><p>“Who is it?” Maggie asked.</p><p>“Not sure,” Lucy replied, opening the text.</p><p>
  <em> Unknown: You’re right, maybe I do need some friends </em>
</p><p>“Correction, I might know,” she said. She started to type a response when another text came through, then a few more in quick succession.</p><p>
  <em> Unknown: This is Alex, btw </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Unknown: Alex Malverne </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Unknown: We met at the holiday party </em>
</p><p>Lucy laughed, typed a response.</p><p>
  <em> Lucy: I remember. How’s Ditto? </em>
</p><p>“The woman I told you about?” she said to Maggie as she saved Alex to her contacts. “The one I met at my dad’s party? It’s her.”</p><p>“The one married to that asshole?”</p><p>“Yup.”</p><p>
  <em> Alex M: Hates the cast, but he’s alright otherwise </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucy: That’s good </em>
</p><p>“She asking for help, or something else?”</p><p>“Well, for friends, right now, but that can be the first step to asking for help, y’know?”</p><p>“Yeah. Invite her over.”</p><p>“Just like that?”</p><p>Maggie shrugged, her shoulders pulling inwards. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Maggie?”</p><p>“I’ve told you about my parents, Luce. If someone had noticed...I don’t know.”</p><p>Lucy pressed her shoulder against Maggie’s. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll invite her over, but that probably will include a toddler being here.”</p><p>
  <em> Lucy: As for the friend thing, you doing anything today? My roommate and I aren’t doing anything if you wanted to come over or meet up with us somewhere </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucy: And Ditto is more than welcome, of course </em>
</p><p>“I gave her the choice of coming here or meeting somewhere else,” Lucy said as she sent the text.</p><p>“That’s probably a good plan.” Maggie stood, stretched. “Guess that means it may no longer be a no pants day.”</p><p>“It probably would be preferable to not be in underwear if she comes here.”</p><p>Maggie fell back onto the couch. “Well, even if she does want to, we have time before pants are required.”</p><p>“And we can always go back to no pants after,” Lucy said. “No pants and Mortal Kombat.”</p><p>Maggie nodded. “Very true.”</p><p>
  <em> Alex M: I’m at the park with Ditto rn, but will be heading to the mall soon, if you want to meet there? </em>
</p><p>“How do you feel about the mall?”</p><p>“Which one?”</p><p>
  <em> Alex M: the outlet mall in west heights, btw </em>
</p><p>Lucy chuckled. “West Heights,” she said.</p><p>Maggie tilted her head to the side as she considered, then nodded. “I have no objections.”</p><p>
  <em> Lucy: Cool, just let us know where at the mall to meet you </em>
</p><p>Lucy pinched Maggie’s leg, only to have her hand swatted away. “Time for pants.”</p><p>Maggie raised an eyebrow, then swung a leg over Lucy’s lap so she was straddling her. She dropped a few kisses to Lucy’s neck.</p><p>“Ten more minutes?” she murmured between kisses.</p><p>Lucy moaned. She curled her fingers around Maggie’s hips, dipping beneath the waistband of her boxers. “Ten minutes,” she agreed.</p><p>It was nearly half an hour before they were leaving the apartment, both reaching up to touch the mezuzah as they left, then another half hour to get to the mall. They headed to the food court, where Alex's latest text directed then.</p><p>Lucy spotted mother and son in line at the crepe stand. Alex had Ditto on her hips, pointing at the options as she spoke to him.</p><p>Maggie and Lucy hung back as Alex ordered and paid, then Lucy stepped forward as the food was being prepared.</p><p>"Hey."</p><p>Alex turned, smiled. "Hey," she said.</p><p>"Alex, this is Maggie, my roommate. Maggie, Alex."</p><p>Alex shifted Ditto to her other hip to shake Maggie's hand. "It's nice to meet you."</p><p>"You, too."</p><p>"This is Ditto," Alex said. "Ditto, do you remember Lucy from the party?"</p><p>Ditto stared at her with wide eyes before shaking his head.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Alex said.</p><p>"Don't be," Lucy said. "It had to have been a long night for him."</p><p>Alex sighed. “It was.” She pressed a kiss to the side of Ditto’s head. “Dit, this is Lucy and her friend Maggie. Can you say hi?”</p><p>“Hi,” he said.</p><p>“How is your arm feeling?” Lucy asked.</p><p>His cast was blue, and covered in drawings of turtles.</p><p>“Hurts.”</p><p>“I bet it does.”</p><p>“Order 348!” the worker behind the crepes counter called out.</p><p>“That’s us,” Alex said before stepping forward to take the food. She thanked the worker, then walked back to them.</p><p>“I can take that,” Maggie said, gesturing to the tray Alex was balancing along with Ditto and various bags.</p><p>“You don’t need to.”</p><p>“It’s no problem, you look like you’ve got your hands full already.”</p><p>Alex let her take the tray. “Thank you.”</p><p>“You’re welcome.”</p><p>They found an empty table. Alex sat Ditto in her lap, started to cut his crepe with the plastic knife and fork.</p><p>“I’m going to go grab us some pizza,” Maggie said to Lucy. “The usual?”</p><p>“Yes, please. Thanks,” Lucy replied. She watched Maggie walk off, then turned to Alex who was still fighting with the crepes. “Plastic isn’t the best for those, is it?”</p><p>Alex scoffed. “It’s terrible.”</p><p>Lucy looked around the court for a few moments before turning to Alex again. “How’re you doing?”</p><p>Alex looked at her, eyes narrowed. “I’m good.”</p><p>“That wasn’t a pointed question, I genuinely want to know.”</p><p>Alex eyed her for another moment before relaxing. “I’m good. A bit tired running after Ditto all day. The cast isn’t slowing him down at all.”</p><p>“It’s hard to think of him running around that much.”</p><p>Alex kissed the top of his head. She set the knife aside, spearing a piece with the fork and helping Ditto get it in his mouth instead of all over his shirt. “He doesn’t like strangers, so he sticks by me a lot in new situations. Otherwise, he can be all over the walls.”</p><p>Lucy chuckled.</p><p>“What about you?” Alex asked. “How’re you?”</p><p>“I’m good. This is my first weekend not on call in I don’t know how long, so I’ve been enjoying it.”</p><p>Alex nodded. She helped Ditto take another bite as silence grew around them at an awkward pace.</p><p>Maggie returned after a few minutes, two plates of the vegan pizza on a tray with drinks.</p><p>“Do you have anything specific you’re here to get?” Maggie asked Alex as she settled.</p><p>“I already got the new shirts I needed for Ditto,” Alex replied. “Other than that, I don’t really have any plans.”</p><p>“Well,” Maggie said. “Barnes and Noble is always a stop for us.”</p><p>Alex nodded. “That definitely works.”</p><p>The silence settled again, still awkward. Ditto finished his crepe and stood on Alex’s chair, turning to cling to her. She wrapped an arm around him, tidied the table with her other.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” she said after a moment. “It’s been a while since I just hung out with anyone, I’m not sure I know how to anymore.”</p><p>Lucy hid her grimace by taking a sip of her lemonade.</p><p>“It’s cool,” Maggie said. “Once we’re done eating we can head out and just see where we end up?”</p><p>“That sounds like a good plan,” Alex said.</p><p>###</p><p>Alex sighed as her cellphone rang from where it sat on the counter across the kitchen. She dried her hands on a tea towel hanging from the oven door handle before walking to her phone.</p><p>Kara.</p><p>Great.</p><p>She flipped the phone open to answer the call.</p><p>“Hey, Kara. What’s up?”</p><p>“Ifinallyheardbackfromcatcoandigottheintership!!!”</p><p>Alex blinked. “What?”</p><p>Kara took a deep breath. “That internship I applied for at CatCo? I just heard from them and I got it.”</p><p>“The internship for next semester? Like, the upcoming spring semester?”</p><p>“Yup.”</p><p>“Kara, it’s December. That’s not a lot of time to figure everything out.”</p><p>"I know, but, Alex! We’ll be living in the same city for six months. Who knows when that will happen again after you move to Japan or Germany or wherever. And! And! I’ve missed Ditto so much.”</p><p>Alex smiled at that. “He’s missed you too.”</p><p>“I will babysit any time you want, no charge.”</p><p>Alex grimaced. She never needed a babysitter anymore. She never did anything.</p><p>Never did have anyone to do anything with, but maybe that was changing. It wouldn't be horrible to hang out with Lucy, Vasquez, and Maggie without Ditto.</p><p>“That would be awesome,” she said. "When do you move out here?"</p><p>"The semester ends in two weeks. I’ll be going home for a bit, but Eliza and I were thinking we could go down just before Chanukah. I can move into an apartment then we can be with you and Ditto for the holiday.”</p><p>Alex squeezed her eyes shut. "That'll be great. Ditto will love to see you both."</p><p>"It'll be great! I've missed seeing you both so much."</p><p>"Me too."</p><p>Alex tensed as a door elsewhere in the house opened, then relaxed when she remembered that Rick was at work.</p><p>“I think Ditto just woke up from his nap,” she said.</p><p>Kara squealed. “Can I speak with him?”</p><p>“Yeah, once he gets down here I’ll ask him.”</p><p>There was a moment’s pause. “Can he open doors?”</p><p>Alex sighed. “Yup. He figured out his bedroom door a few weeks ago.”</p><p>After he did it the first time she had bought plastic covers to put over the handles so he couldn't open every door in the house. Rick had taken them all off.</p><p>
  <em> "If he gets somewhere he shouldn't and gets hurt, he'll learn to not do it again." </em>
</p><p>Kara started gushing about how smart he was. Alex stepped out of the kitchen, stood at the bottom of the stairs. Ditto was at the top, taking each step one at a time.</p><p>One of his hands was on the wall, the handrail too high for him to reach, the other was cradling Tsahv between his cast and his body.</p><p>Alex watched him carefully, ready for any sign of a stumble. She waited until he was at the bottom to speak, not wanting to pull his focus from each step.</p><p>“Are you done with your nap, baby?”</p><p>Ditto nodded. He rubbed an eye as he stepped towards her, then raised his unbroken arm up, asking to be lifted.</p><p>Alex quickly did so, lifting him with one arm and balancing him on a hip.</p><p>“Aunt Kara is on the phone. Do you want to talk to her?”</p><p>Ditto yawned, then nodded.</p><p>“Okay.” Alex pulled her cell phone away from her ear, put it on speaker. “Can you say hi?”</p><p>“Hi, unka,” Ditto said.</p><p>“Hey, kiddo,” Kara replied. “I heard you broke your arm.”</p><p>“Uh-huh.”</p><p>Alex only half paid attention to their conversation as she walked back to the kitchen. She had to start making dinner soon if it was going to be ready when Rick got home and she didn’t even know what she was going to make yet.</p><p>She put Ditto in his stool, set her phone down nearby, and started to look through the pantry.</p><p>They had stuff to make lasagna, but the last time Ditto hadn’t eaten much of it, which had pissed Rick off.</p><p>There were tacos, but Ditto wouldn’t be able to manage it with his cast.</p><p>Grilled cheese was Ditto’s favorite, but Rick hated it.</p><p>“Bubbe and I will be visiting you for Chanukah.”</p><p>Alex winced at Kara’s words. She had hoped to talk to Rick about it all before telling Ditto. By Ditto's excited reaction, the holidays weren't going to go the way Rick wanted.</p><p>Spaghetti and meatballs. Ditto would eat it and it wouldn't piss Rick off.</p><p>-o-</p><p>Maggie flipped the corner of her blanket back as Lucy entered the room, but kept her focus on her book.</p><p>Lucy slid into the bed, curled into Maggie.</p><p>Maggie buried her fingers in Lucy's hair.</p><p>"Hard day?"</p><p>Lucy groaned.</p><p>"Anything you can talk about?"</p><p>Lucy pushed herself up, leaned against Maggie's side.</p><p>"It's just tiring. Some days the fact that the army is still such a boys club really hits."</p><p>Maggie wrapped an arm around Lucy, pulled her close.</p><p>"I'm sorry, baby."</p><p>"It was just comments some of them made, they didn't even know I could hear them."</p><p>"Doesn't make it easier," Maggie said.</p><p>Lucy sighed. "Sometimes I really want to get out, but nothing will change if we all give up."</p><p>Maggie hummed in understanding. They had had similar conversations multiple times over the years, both of them on the edge of quitting.</p><p>"Whatever you decide," Maggie said. "I'm with you."</p><p>For a moment, they both thought of where their lives could go if they did leave their drastically male dominated fields.</p><p>A small law firm or a PI office or a flower shop or a bookstore or political activism.</p><p>But neither of them would leave.</p><p>"At least we have the trip to the zoo tomorrow?" Maggie said.</p><p>"Yeah, with a wonderful reminder of how shitty some of these guys are."</p><p>"Hey." Maggie jostled her lightly. "You like Alex, and you know we'll be able to help her."</p><p>"Yeah. I really hope we can."</p><p>-o-</p><p>Alex stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. She watched as Rick went to take a drink, only to find his bottle empty.</p><p>She stepped forward, a fresh bottle already in her hands.</p><p>Because maybe, maybe, it will make the conversation go better.</p><p>The night had gone well so far. He had come home in a relatively good mood, hadn't made any comments on how she could have made more effort on dinner.</p><p>It was as good as she could wish it.</p><p>"Here, sweetie," she said, handing him the bottle.</p><p>He took it, smiled at her.</p><p>The smile that reminded her of when they had started dating in college, of why they had started dating.</p><p>She leaned back on the arm of the couch, facing him. Her words were careful.</p><p>"I got a call from Kara today."</p><p>He barely grunted in acknowledgement that he had heard her, his attention fully back on the TV.</p><p>"She's going to be moving down here for an internship during the spring."</p><p>"Good for her."</p><p>"So, her and my mom will be coming down in a few weeks and they want to celebrate Chanukah with us."</p><p>He stilled, then rolled his eyes. "We already talked about the holidays."</p><p>Alex's heart pounded in her ears. "I know. I know. But I didn't know that my family would be in town."</p><p>"We aren't doing Chanukah this year."</p><p>Just like they ‘hadn’t done’ Sukkot and he hadn’t taken the High Holidays into account when scheduling their move to National City.</p><p>"It's just for my family. They… They'll expect it."</p><p>"You did Chanukah with him the last two years. I want to celebrate Christmas with my son."</p><p>"We can do both. And we celebrated Christmas the last two years."</p><p>His laugh sent ice up her spine. "So you say, but I was on the other side of the world, how can I trust you actually got it right?"</p><p>Alex pushed down the rising anger. She had thought she had done it right.</p><p>She had got a small tree for her infant, hung up a stocking, went all out on the presents. Rick had even managed to video call from Spain and saw it all.</p><p>He had said then that it was great, but what if it hadn't been?</p><p>He stood, stepped to her. Only experience kept her from flinching away as he softly set his hands on her shoulders.</p><p>"I know you tried, but I want him to really know Christmas. How can he do that with you confusing him by doing Chanukah too?"</p><p>He tucked some of her hair behind her ear, pressed a kiss to her cheek.</p><p>"Let's put this all behind us, okay?" he whispered.</p><p>Alex nodded.</p><p>"Now," he continued. His hands trailed down her arms, settled on her hips and pulled her close. "The kid is asleep, how about we have some fun?" He kissed her jaw, her neck, his hands slid around to grab her ass. "And you can fully apologize for bringing this all back up."</p><p>Alex put on a fake smile, and said nothing as he began to pull her towards their bedroom.</p><p>###</p><p>Lucy took one last look over the living room. They generally kept everything queer in Maggie's room, but things did find their way to the common areas. She had already spent time that morning moving them all back, but it was always possible to miss something.</p><p>Like the dvd of <em> Desert Hearts </em>sitting next to the TV.</p><p>Lucy grabbed it, took it to Maggie's room, where Maggie was finally getting dressed.</p><p>"One last thing," Lucy said, putting the movie on Maggie's dresser with the rest of the stuff.</p><p>"If she recognizes that movie, there's a lot more going on than we realized," Maggie said, pulling a shirt on.</p><p>A knock on the front door cut off Lucy’s response.</p><p>“I’ll go let her in,” Lucy said.</p><p>Alex had Ditto on a hip and her face brightened when she saw Lucy.</p><p>“Hey,” Alex said.</p><p>“Hey,” Lucy replied. She focused on Ditto. “Hello, Ditto.”</p><p>He stared at her with wide eyes and waved.</p><p>“Come on in,” she said, stepping back. “Maggie is almost ready, then we can head out.”</p><p>Alex stepped inside, looking around almost as much as Ditto was.</p><p>“Can I get you anything?” Lucy asked.</p><p>Alex grimaced. “Can I use the bathroom?”</p><p>“Course. It’s just over there” Lucy pointed to the bathroom door.</p><p>Alex looked around, uncertain about something that took Lucy a moment to realize.</p><p>“I can take him.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>Alex carefully transferred him to Lucy’s arms, waiting a moment to make sure he was settled, then made her way to the bathroom.</p><p>Lucy and the child in her arms stared at each other for a couple of seconds, then his focus shifted to behind her.</p><p>The bookshelf. She stepped towards it. He reached out and picked up a carved, stone bird.</p><p>“You like that?” she asked.</p><p>He nodded. “Pretty.”</p><p>“It is pretty. Do you like birds?”</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>“Are birds your favorite animal?”</p><p>He shook his head.</p><p>“What’s your favorite animal?”</p><p>“Turt.” He stared at the bird as he answered.</p><p>“Turt?”</p><p>“I think he means turtles.”</p><p>Ditto’s head swung around at Maggie’s voice.</p><p>“Like on his cast,” Maggie continued.</p><p>That did make sense.</p><p>“Are turtles your favorite?” Lucy asked.</p><p>Ditto nodded.</p><p>Lucy reached up to a higher shelf, grabbed another piece of carved stone and held it out to him.</p><p>“Turt!” he squealed, then laughed.</p><p>Well, technically it was a tortoise, but the two year old clearly didn’t know the difference and Lucy didn’t know if it mattered.</p><p>He put the bird back, just barely not throwing it, and took the turtle.</p><p>“You might have problems getting that back,” Alex said from behind them.</p><p>Lucy laughed. “He can hold onto it for now. It was just a small thing I picked up in Istanbul a few years back.”</p><p>“Well, unless you want him to take it to the zoo with us.”</p><p>Lucy grimaced. Right.</p><p>She looked at Ditto, who was clearly excited about the stone.</p><p>“Here,” Alex said, taking him from her. “Can you give that back to Lucy?” she asked him.</p><p>A pout started to form, his bottom lip sticking out.</p><p>“We can’t go see real turtles if we don’t leave soon.”</p><p>“Bring it with,” Ditto argued.</p><p>“We can’t bring it with, baby. It’s Lucy’s.”</p><p>He looked between the stone and Lucy for a moment, then held it out to her.</p><p>“Thank you,” she said as she took it. She put it next to the bird, instead of its original spot further up.</p><p>“Welcome,” he replied after Alex prompted him.</p><p>They started towards the door, but Lucy didn't miss the way Alex's focus lingered on the books on the shelf. She glanced at the books herself, taking in the titles quickly.</p><p>None of them were queer books. Most of them were either books she had read for her conversion studies or law books.</p><p>Lucy pushed it out of her mind. She might have just been curious about the Hebrew on some of the spines.</p><p>They took Alex’s car because Ditto’s car seat, so Lucy ended up in the back with the toddler.</p><p>He stared at her for the first few minutes as Alex pulled the car out of the lot.</p><p>Lucy stared right back at him.</p><p>“So, uh,” she finally said. “What animals are you excited to see?”</p><p>“Turt.”</p><p>She smiled. “Anything else?”</p><p>His face went serious as he thought, turning his head to stare at the seat back. His feet were pressed against the upholstery, his knees slightly bent in the limited space of the rear facing car seat.</p><p>“Wolf.” He said the word like he barely knew the ‘L’ was supposed to be there and he wanted to say woof instead. “Gir-aff.” His face lit up and he looked at her and said something she did not understand at all.</p><p>“You want to see the orangutans, babe?” Alex asked from the front.</p><p>“Yeah!” Ditto squealed. He launched into a fast ramble. Lucy did her best to keep up, catching about half of the words, and responding where he seemed to want her to.</p><p>Eventually he stopped and stared at her.</p><p>“That sounds really cool,” she said, hoping it matched what he said.</p><p>His brow furrowed and he repeated the last thing he said.</p><p>“He wants to know what animals you want to see,” Alex translated.</p><p>“Oh. I like lions and tigers,” Lucy told Ditto.</p><p>“Lions and tigers?” he asked in excitement. “Big cats!”</p><p>“Yeah. I love cats. When I was about your age I had a kitten named Sunny.”</p><p>He giggled.</p><p>The car turned. The entrance to the zoo appeared past some hedges and a parking lot.</p><p>“Look,” she said, pointing out his window.</p><p>He looked, clapped once as he laughed. “The zoo!”</p><p>Ditto’s excitement was contagious as Alex found a parking spot and they started to pile out. He got a little upset as Alex put sunscreen on his face before taking him out of the car seat.</p><p>They made their way to the entrance, Ditto on Alex’s hip, the diaper bag slung over Maggie’s shoulder as Lucy carried a small, folded stroller the same way. They got their tickets and entered the park, Lucy teasing Maggie for having to pay full price without a military discount.</p><p>They stepped to the side of the open plaza to look through the list of the animals and where to find them on Alex’s map, and comparing it to Maggie’s.</p><p>Ditto tried to grab the map from Alex.</p><p>“Turt?”</p><p>“We’ll find the turtles, baby,” she replied, pressing a kiss to the side of his head.</p><p>“Here,” Lucy said, pointing at the Discovery Outpost. “Turtles and Galápagos tortoises.”</p><p>The zoo wasn’t as crowded as Lucy had thought it might be. A few school groups were gathered, but most of the other visitors were parents with very young children. It was easy to make it through the paths and within a few minutes, the Galápagos tortoises were in view.</p><p>Ditto noticed them a few moments later, then squirmed in Alex’s arms until she set him down. He took off as soon as his feet were on the ground.</p><p>Alex started walking a little faster, but didn’t run after him.</p><p>He stopped at the fence around the enclosure, hands gripping around wooden posts as he strained to see. Alex lifted him as soon as she reached him, keeping him between her and the fence so he could hold onto it.</p><p>“Turt, Mommy! Big big turt!”</p><p>“Yeah, baby. Those are called Galápagos tortoises.”</p><p>“Glop turt?”</p><p>“Yup. Galápagos tortoise. They are the biggest tortoise species in the world.”</p><p>“Sooooo big.”</p><p>“They are.”</p><p>Alex started to tell him basic facts about the tortoise, and Lucy ignored the slight warmth in her gut.</p><p>-o-</p><p>The fries from the zoo restaurant were better than Alex expected them to be. She picked one after another from Ditto's unfinished lunch as she watched him and Lucy watch the aquarium of jellyfish built into the wall.</p><p>She pulled her focus away from them and how warm it felt to see someone else so good with Ditto.</p><p>Next to her, Maggie was looking over the zoo map.</p><p>Alex thought back to the apartment.</p><p>"Can I ask something?" she asked.</p><p>Maggie looked up. Her face was carefully measured. "Course."</p><p>"Are you Jewish?"</p><p>Maggie's expression didn't change. Alex pushed forward, her nerves rocketing.</p><p>"I just noticed the mezuzahs on the doorways and some of the books on the shelf and there was a kippah on the kitchen counter and I'm Jewish, which is really how I noticed, and I was just curious."</p><p>Maggie smiled and nodded. "I am." She glanced towards the other two. "Lucy is in the process of converting."</p><p>"Oh." Alex hadn't expected that about Lucy.</p><p>Maggie shifted so she was facing Alex more directly. "You've only been here a few months, right?"</p><p>Alex nodded.</p><p>"Have you found a synagogue?"</p><p>Alex shook her head. "Nothing that's felt right, I guess."</p><p>She really just hadn't looked much. Rick always seemed to have something planned during shabbat services, even if it was just wanting to spend the time at home as a family.</p><p>“You should come with us one week. They do a more child friendly service once a month.”</p><p>“That would be great.”</p><p>Alex looked down at the map. “What do you want to go see?” she asked.</p><p>Maggie looked at the map as well. “I don’t know. I kind of prefer plants to animals, and we’ve already gone through some of the good areas.”</p><p>“Plants?” Alex looked over at Lucy and Ditto as she thought. “You have bonsai trees in your apartment.”</p><p>“I do. I’ve had plants in my bedroom since I was fifteen or so.”</p><p>Alex leaned over to get a better look at the map.</p><p>Maggie smelled like sunscreen.</p><p>“They have a Hawaiian native plant garden,” Alex said, pointing to the map.</p><p>“That would be really cool, but how do you think Ditto would react to only seeing plants?”</p><p>“Oh, it’s almost his nap time. Being inside, in a quieter place, without animals to distract him would help.”</p><p>Maggie smiled, a dimple appearing on one cheek. She glanced towards Lucy and Ditto. “We’ll just have to get them away from the fish.”</p><p>Alex laughed. “But first.”</p><p>She grabbed the disposable camera she had bought from one of the small gift stands spread through the zoo. She spun the wheel, then lifted the camera so she could look through the view and took a picture.</p><p>-o-</p><p>“Look, Ditto.”</p><p>He turned his head at Mommy’s voice.</p><p>“Fish,” he said.</p><p>He lifted his head off of Mommy’s shoulder, looked around for Lucy.</p><p>She smiled at him. He pointed to the fish.</p><p>“Fish.”</p><p>She nodded. “They’re really pretty.”</p><p>Something moved further up the water. Ditto pointed with his hurt arm.</p><p>“Turt!”</p><p>Mommy stepped closer to the fish.</p><p>The turt swam closer. It did a loop and swam away.</p><p>“Mommy! Turt!”</p><p>“I see, baby. There’s another one back there.”</p><p>There was. Behind a group of fish.</p><p>“What are you all looking at.”</p><p>Maggie.</p><p>Ditto pointed.</p><p>“Turt!”</p><p>“Oh, wow. Look at that.”</p><p>Mommy bounced him. “It’s time to go, Ditto, okay?”</p><p>He shook his head.</p><p>He liked the zoo. He didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to go home.</p><p>Mommy laughed. “We can’t stay, baby.”</p><p>“Please.”</p><p>“I’m sorry. We can stop at the shop before we go.”</p><p>Ditto didn’t want to go to the shop. He wanted to stay with the turts.</p><p>Lucy touched his shoulder. "Maybe we can find some turtle things at the shop?"</p><p>He turned to Mommy.</p><p>"Tsahv?"</p><p>"Yeah, like Tsahv."</p><p>He looked at the turts.</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>He laid his head on Mommy's shoulder as she walked.</p><p>The shop was big. Animals everywhere. Toys. Books.</p><p>Wolfs. Oran-tans. Snakes. </p><p>He pointed at the lions to show Lucy.</p><p>El-phants to show Mommy.</p><p>Flowas to show Maggie.</p><p>And</p><p>"Turt!"</p><p>Turt toy. Turt book. Turt. So much turt.</p><p>He grabbed a turt toy. The glop turts Mommy showed him.</p><p>“Mommy!”</p><p>“I see, baby.”</p><p>He switched the turt to his cast hand. He grabbed an el-phant toy.</p><p>Turt and el-phant were gunna go to…</p><p>Park.</p><p>Park with swings and slides and a bounce horse.</p><p>“Ditto?”</p><p>He looked at Lucy.</p><p>“Do you want those?”</p><p>Ditto nodded. He looked at Mommy who smiled.</p><p>“You can say yes, baby.”</p><p>He looked at Lucy and kept nodding.</p><p>Lucy smiled. “Okay.”</p><p>He held the toys the rest of the time. He let them go once, so the lady Lucy was talking to could look at them. Then he held them.</p><p>They left the shop but stopped.</p><p>“Maggie got you something too,” Mommy said.</p><p>Maggie pulled something from a bag.</p><p>A sleeve shirt.</p><p>She turned it.</p><p>“Turt!”</p><p>“Yeah, Ditto,” Maggie said. “You can wear this and be a turtle.”</p><p>“Do you want to put it on?”</p><p>Ditto nodded. “Please.”</p><p>Mommy helped him put it on. She pulled the hood up.</p><p>“I’m turt.”</p><p>Mommy laughed. “You sure are.”</p><p>-o-</p><p>The light of the nightlight made Ditto's face look softer, if that was even possible. Alex tracked every breath he took, brushed a finger over a loose curl of hair.</p><p>He was still holding the toys Lucy had bought him and was wearing the turtle shell hoodie from Maggie. He had barely let her take it off of him for his bath.</p><p>He should sleep well that night in his exhaustion.</p><p>Her mind drifted back through the day, lingering over each time Lucy and Maggie had really interacted with him. They had been so sweet and patient.</p><p>And if maybe her stomach had flipped a few times, well…</p><p>She could acknowledge she was attracted to them. She should, really, because with it acknowledged, she could push it aside.</p><p>She was with Rick.</p><p>She loved Rick.</p><p>She had known for years that she found women attractive didn't mean she had to act on it. She had still found the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with.</p><p>Her stomach flipped on an entirely different, decidedly worse, way.</p><p>###</p><p>Alex carried the laundry basket on her hip as she moved from room to room, gathering the dirty laundry Rick left on the floor instead of putting in the hampers. Once it was all collected, she made her way to the garage, where the washer and dryer were.</p><p>She glanced into the living room as she passed.</p><p>Ditto was trying to get Rick to play with him, but Rick was watching an old football game.</p><p>Alex continued to the garage.</p><p>She pulled the clean laundry out, into another basket, and started to switch the load from the washer to the dryer. Her phone buzzed in her pocket.</p><p>She pulled it out and flipped it open when Kara’s name flashed on the outside screen.</p><p>“Hey, Kara,” she said. She cradled the phone between her ear and shoulder so she could continue the laundry.</p><p>“Hey. So, I found an apartment and have a move-in date.”</p><p>Alex paused for a moment, wondering how that had happened so fast, but she didn’t push on it.</p><p>“Oh, yeah?”</p><p>“Yup. It won’t be until the 20th, but that does mean we will be there for all of Chanukah.”</p><p>Alex sucked in a breath. She hated lying to Kara. “We might have to look at each day,” she cautiously started. “We had some plans set before we knew you would be down here.”</p><p>“Oh. Well, let me know?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>That seemed to pacify Kara for the time and she launched into a quick paced ramble about her upcoming job at CatCo.</p><p>Alex moved on to putting the dirty laundry into the washer, responding where she needed and occasionally adding her own comments. Once the laundry was all loaded, she leaned back against the machine, not yet turning it on.</p><p>Kara moved on from the job to her upcoming exams. She had just started to complain about an evil professor who taught a class she hadn’t really clarified when the door into the house opened.</p><p>Rick smiled as he leaned on the doorframe.</p><p>“You’ve been out here a bit. Who’re you talking to?”</p><p>Alex tilted the bottom of the phone away from her mouth. “It’s Kara.”</p><p>Kara cut herself off. “Is that Rick?”</p><p>“Yeah, it is,” Alex answered.</p><p>“Oh, can I talk to him? I haven’t talked to him in ages.”</p><p>Alex kept her face neutral even as her stomach twisted. “She wants to talk to you.” She smirked, hoped her words came across lighter than she meant them. “Apparently her own sister isn’t good enough.”</p><p>Rick chuckled. He stepped forward to take the phone.</p><p>And he left.</p><p>Alex stared at the door left open for a few moments before finally turning the machines on as she prayed that Kara wouldn’t mention Chanukah.</p><p>She picked the basket of clean laundry up and left the garage. She took a step towards the living room, but stopped.</p><p>Her stomach churned and her jaw twitched and she didn’t really want to listen to whatever conversation they might be having. The worst case outcome creeping up the back of her skull.</p><p>She went to the kitchen instead. She sat the basket on the table and started working on dinner.</p><p>Chili.</p><p>Made in the crock-pot so she just needed to get it going and let it sit all day.</p><p>It didn’t take nearly as long as she wanted. Too soon she made her way to the living room, basket of laundry in her arms and nothing else to keep her away.</p><p>She sat next to Rick on the couch, sat the basket on the floor, and began to fold and sort.</p><p>“Kara sounds like she’s doing good,” Rick said, handing her back her phone.</p><p>Alex nodded. “Yeah. She’s really excited about coming down here.”</p><p>“I think it’ll be good.” He leaned over to rub her neck for a moment. A little too hard. “You could probably use some help. You always seem so tired.”</p><p>Alex shrugged with one shoulder. She tried to focus on the laundry, not letting the encroaching thought take over.</p><p>His attention returned to the game. It was one he had seen before, she was pretty sure.</p><p>She folded the laundry.</p><p>Rick’s undershirt.</p><p>Ditto’s sock.</p><p>He didn’t think she was good enough.</p><p>Rick’s boxer.</p><p>Her shorts.</p><p>Ditto’s pajamas.</p><p>He thought she couldn’t take care of Ditto without help.</p><p>Rick’s jeans.</p><p>Rick’s boxer.</p><p>Her shirt.</p><p>Ditto’s shirt.</p><p>"Have you thought of having another?"</p><p>Alex looked up from the laundry, then looked in the direction Rick was looking.</p><p>In the corner, Ditto was playing with some toys, dragging the tortoise and elephant toys from the zoo along a wooden train track.</p><p>She focused on Rick again.</p><p>"Another what?" Alex asked.</p><p>Rick turned to her, smiled. "Another kid, Ally."</p><p>"I don't know."</p><p>She did know and no, not at all, absolutely not.</p><p>"It's a big decision," she continued.</p><p>"I think it would be great."</p><p>"I just, we said that I would go back to school once Ditto was older, another child would push that back even more."</p><p>"But not forever," Rick countered. "You could wait a few more years, but eventually we won't be able to have more kids."</p><p>Alex took a few breaths. "Rick, I...I don't want another kid."</p><p>Rick sighed. "I think I want what you have with Ditto. I wasn't there when he was a baby and we made that choice but I didn't realize how much I would miss. I want to experience that."</p><p>Alex chewed on her lip.</p><p>It had been hard, dealing with Ditto as an infant, but there had been something so special about it. She had frequently wish Rick had been there for it, had gotten to experience it.</p><p>"You got to have that with him and now it feels like you're saying I shouldn't get that chance at all."</p><p>Her stomach twisted.</p><p>Maybe he had a point.</p><p>"Can I think about it?" she asked.</p><p>"Of course." He leaned over to kiss her cheek. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you, too.”</p><p>She did.</p><p>She really did.</p><p>She had to.</p><p>###</p><p>"Are you coming inside?"</p><p>Lucy shook her head as Maggie answered Bette's question.</p><p>"We invited a friend. We're going to wait out here for her."</p><p>Bette nodded. "We'll save seats for you."</p><p>"By an aisle, if you can," Lucy said. "She has a toddler."</p><p>Not that it was hard to get a seat by an aisle, Bet Shalom wasn't a big synagogue, but now they would know that the seat right in the aisle would need to be saved.</p><p>"Noted."</p><p>"We'll see you inside," Kate said before the cousins headed off.</p><p>Lucy turned to scan the street. "You sure she's going to come?"</p><p>"Pretty sure," Maggie answered. "It seemed like she really wanted to."</p><p>They greeted everyone who passed as they waited, a few people stopping to chat for a moment or two.</p><p>Then, finally</p><p> "There she is," Maggie said.</p><p>There she was, walked towards them from the direction of the small parking lot up the block with Ditto on her hip.</p><p>She smiled when she noticed them, then said something to Ditto.</p><p>He waved as they got close.</p><p>"Sh'bat shlom," he said.</p><p>Which Lucy had to admit was one of the cutest things she had ever heard. That he was wearing the hoodie Maggie had bought him and a kippah covered in dinosaurs only made it better.</p><p>"Shabbat shalom, Ditto," she replied.</p><p>He smiled at her, then reached out to her.</p><p>Wide eyed, Lucy looked between him and Alex.</p><p>"Can you ask her? You have to ask, remember?" Alex said to Ditto.</p><p>He lowered his arms slightly. "Please?"</p><p>Lucy couldn't refuse him if she wanted to. He settled on her hip and started to talk faster than she could keep up. As they approached the door and the greeters, however, he trailed off.</p><p>"Shabbat shalom," Saul said.</p><p>Ditto stared at him as the adults replied, twisted in Lucy's arms to keep staring at him as they passed. When they left the lobby and entered the social space, he turned back, eyes wide as he looked around.</p><p>He waved at another kid who waved at him first. He laid his head down, tucked into Lucy's shoulder and neck. He was getting heavy. How did Alex carry him as much as she did?</p><p>He lifted his head when they entered the sanctuary. Eyes still wide, he looked around, head slowly moving from the ark to the ceiling to the painted walls.</p><p>Lucy slowed her pace, letting him take as long to look as he wanted.</p><p>-o-</p><p>Maggie couldn’t help but track Alex’s mannerisms as they made their way through the sanctuary and towards the backs of Kate’s and Bette’s heads.</p><p>Like on their trip to the zoo, Alex was wearing long sleeves. Perhaps not the oddest, they were light knit sweaters, and sixty degrees often counted as sweater weather for native Californians, but Maggie had spent years wearing hoodies on warm days.</p><p>The longer they were in the synagogue, the more relaxed Alex seemed. Her shoulders loosened. She smiled easier.</p><p>“Alex,” she said as she stopped. “This is Kate and Bette, some friends of our. Kate, Bette, this is Alex. She moved here a few months ago.”</p><p>Maggie turned to watch Lucy as they greeted each other.</p><p>They had never talked about kids, both of them knowing how unrealistic it was, but Lucy was very good with Ditto.</p><p>Or, perhaps more accurate, Ditto decided he liked Lucy and she went along with it.</p><p>Maggie turned back to Alex, who had fallen into conversation with Kate, Bette, and Becca in the row behind them.</p><p>She pushed the growing warmth back.</p><p>The situation was rocky enough without feelings getting involved.</p><p>Alex looked towards her, smiled as their eyes met, then looked past her.</p><p>“Mommy,” Ditto said, leaning out towards her the way he had Lucy earlier.</p><p>Alex took him. He whispered in her ear.</p><p>“Kid is heavier than he looks,” Lucy said in an undertone.</p><p>Maggie laughed. They settled in the seats next to Kate and Bette, leaving the aisle seat for Alex, who took it.</p><p>Lucy fell into conversation with Kate.</p><p>“Can I take this off now?” Alex asked Ditto, tugging on the hoodie.</p><p>Ditto’s face scrunched up.</p><p>Alex sighed, but she smiled as she looked at Maggie. “He’s barely taken it off.”</p><p>Maggie grinned. She leaned towards Ditto.</p><p>“What if I hold it for you? Keep it safe?”</p><p>His face went serious in thought. He watched her with clear brown eyes.</p><p>“Pomise?”</p><p>“I promise.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Alex gently pulled the hoodie off of him, extra careful with his casted arm, revealing a pale blue short sleeve button up and striped suspenders.</p><p>Maggie took the hoodie when it was handed to her. She carefully folded it and set it in her lap. She started to read through the Shabbat card as Alex began to explain things around the sanctuary to Ditto in a soft voice.</p><p>-o-</p><p>Alex pressed a long kiss to the side of Ditto’s head as the sanctuary emptied as people left for the oneg.</p><p>It had only been a few months since she moved to National City, since the last time she went to service, but she hadn’t realized how much she missed it. From the first note sung, a peace had settled over her.</p><p>It hasn't been exactly like the services she remembered. The music was different, more Sephardic, she was pretty sure.</p><p>Ditto had only gotten antsy once through the service, but he had settled once she put his hoodie back on.</p><p>She stepped into the central aisle once the crowd thinned a bit. Maggie stepped up next to her as they walked back to the social space.</p><p>Tables had been set out with challah and wine and juice and cookies.</p><p>Everyone gathered to say the blessings, then spread out to mingle.</p><p>Maggie has been pulled into one conversation, Lucy into another, leaving Alex alone. She grabbed some treats for Ditto, then made her way to the edge of the group. Eventually, she would be able to slip out, maybe text Maggie and Lucy that Ditto was at the end of his patience.</p><p>But the Rabbi was walking towards her.</p><p>"Shabbat shalom," Rabbi Peres said.</p><p>"Shabbat shalom," Alex replied.</p><p>"Sh'bat shlom," Ditto mumbled through a bite of cookie.</p><p>Alex sighed. "You need to swallow food before speaking, Dit."</p><p>His nose scrunched up but he didn't say anything else.</p><p>Rabbi Peres laughed. "He's alright. You look familiar, but I don't think I've seen you here before."</p><p>Alex shook her head. "We only moved here a few months ago." She looked through the crowd. "Maggie and Lucy invited me."</p><p>"We're glad to have you. Where did you move from?"</p><p>"Midvale."</p><p>Rabbi Peres nodded. "Beth Israel?"</p><p>"Mt Zion." The only other synagogue anywhere near Midvale.</p><p>"Ah. Mt Zion is beautiful. I led a service there a few years ago."</p><p>Alex paused for a moment, then nodded. "I remember that. It was my senior year of high school."</p><p>"That's why you look familiar. Not many teenagers at service."</p><p>Alex grimaced. "My dad died that year. I was there for kaddish."</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>Alex shrugged. "It was a long time ago."</p><p>"Is it ever long enough?"</p><p>Alex didn't answer.</p><p>"I see the Rabbi found you," Lucy said as she appeared next to them.</p><p>“Did you expect anything less?” Rabbi Peres asked with a laugh. She stopped, looked at Alex. “I didn’t ask your name.”</p><p>“Alex, and this is Ditto.”</p><p>He waved with a crumb covered hand.</p><p>“It’s nice to meet you. I hope we see you again.”</p><p>“I do too.”</p><p>###</p><p>A hand brushed up and down Alex's side, her silky tank top pushed up out of the way. Fingers spread across her stomach, pressed in as she was pulled back and tight against Rick.</p><p>He pressed kisses to the back of her neck. His hand started to shift down.</p><p>She rested a hand on his, gently and tangling their fingers together. She pulled his arm around her.</p><p>So she could sink into him, into his warmth.</p><p>Not so his hand couldn't continue his path.</p><p>"I have a surprise for you today," he said.</p><p>"Yeah?" She rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb.</p><p>"Yeah. You and Ditto. I think you'll like it."</p><p>"Do I get any clues?"</p><p>He hummed, kissed her neck. "Dress warm and be ready for a long drive."</p><p>"Are we going to the mountains?"</p><p>That would be a day long trip. All of her plans for the day - errands and chores and figuring out the upcoming holidays - would have to be pushed off.</p><p>His fingers tensed for a moment. "Too smart for your own good," he said with a laugh.</p><p>She rolled over, put enough space between them to see his face clearly.</p><p>It wasn't enough to prevent him from sliding his hand down to her ass, under her shorts, over her underwear. She fought the instinct to move away from the touch, knowing he would read it wrong.</p><p>"We don't have a real winter coat for Ditto," she said.</p><p>He chuckled. "He'll be fine. Just put him in a couple of layers." He pulled her close, kissed her. "But we do have some time for ourselves right now."</p><p>Alex thanked God when Ditto's voice came over the monitor. She started to pull away, only to be stopped by him squeezing.</p><p>"He can wait," Rick grunted.</p><p>
  <em> "Mommy!" </em>
</p><p>"Rick, please. He needs me."</p><p>"I have needs, too."</p><p>She stayed calm. She leaned in, kissed him slow and long, her arm sliding around his neck to play with his hair.</p><p>"I'll make it up to you tonight, I promise, but if we're going to be in the car for hours, I should go get him ready."</p><p>He stared at her. She prayed he would go for it.</p><p>He smirked, kissed her as he squeezed her ass again.</p><p>"I'll hold you to that."</p><p>He was going to, she knew he was going to.</p><p>She left the room as quickly as she could without seeing like she was fleeing.</p><p>She was already dreading that night, but she pushed that aside as she made her way to Ditto’s room.</p><p>Ditto was standing on the other side of the door, hood of the hoodie up, Tsahv trailing on the floor.</p><p>“Hey, baby,” she said as she picked him up. “Sleep well?”</p><p>He nodded and dove into a rambling explanation of a dream he had.</p><p>She pieced together the English and baby talk and the occasional Yiddish to follow his story of sleeping with the turtles at the zoo.</p><p>She took him to the bathroom, the sound of the master shower turning on coming through the walls, then headed downstairs.</p><p>Ditto was eating and she was plating the eggs and sausage when Rick entered the kitchen.</p><p>He greeted Ditto with a 'hey, buddy' and a hair ruffle, then stepped to Alex, pressing against her back.</p><p>He brushed her hair aside to kiss her neck, then slid his hands down her arms, looped around her waist.</p><p>“How did I get so lucky?” he asked. “A wonderful son. A gorgeous wife. Dinner ready for me every night. I don’t think a man has ever been so lucky.”</p><p>Alex leaned back into him, trailed her fingers along his arms.</p><p>He pressed another kiss to her neck. “Go get ready, I’ll make sure Ditto eats.” </p><p>She didn’t point out that Ditto was already eating, that she hadn’t eaten yet, she just went. It was going to be a long day as it was.</p><p>Back up through the house, to the master bathroom.</p><p>She successfully ignored the mirror on her way in, but couldn't after washing her hands. She froze, then looked down at her arm. She turned the water off, then trailed a still wet finger over the nearly faded bruise.</p><p>A few more days, then it should be gone completely.</p><p>She lifted her tank top slightly, inspected the bruise on her side from Rick accidentally shoving her into a door knob during an argument the other day. It was still a dark purple.</p><p>She let the fabric fall.</p><p>She couldn't linger on accidents. She had to get ready.</p><p>She got ready quickly. Simple make-up. Jeans. T-shirt. Flannel. She pulled her hair back into a ponytail as she left the bedroom.</p><p>Back in the kitchen, Ditto was telling Rick about the dream.</p><p>"And the tiger sleep. In turt bed." He giggled. "Silly tiger sleep in turt bed."</p><p>Alex pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "You didn't tell me about the tiger."</p><p>He blinked. "I forgot."</p><p>"It sounds like you're the silly one."</p><p>"Noooo," he giggled.</p><p>"Here," Rick said, handing her the plate of eggs and sausage.</p><p>"Thanks." She sat next to Ditto.</p><p>"You excited for the surprise, bud?" Rick asked Ditto.</p><p>Ditto's eyes went wide. "Su-pise?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm taking you and Mommy somewhere special."</p><p>"Zoo?"</p><p>"No, not the zoo."</p><p>"Pawk?"</p><p>"Not the park." Rick chuckled. "If you guess it, it won't be a surprise, will it?"</p><p>Ditto's face scrunched up. "Bitch?"</p><p>Alex snorted before answering. "Not the beach either, baby."</p><p>"Wanna know."</p><p>"You'll find out once we get there," Rick said. "Now, why don't you go with Mommy to get ready?"</p><p>She didn't argue. She left half of her eggs behind.</p><p>She carried Ditto back to his room, sat him on the edge of his bed.</p><p>"We need to dress like we're going to get really cold. Can you help me find clothes for that?"</p><p>Ditto nodded, then pulled in the hoodie.</p><p>"Turt shirt?"</p><p>Alex laughed. "Yeah, you can wear your turtle shirt, but you will need more than that."</p><p>She pulled some long sleeve shirts from his dresser and set them on his bed.</p><p>"Can you choose one of these?" </p><p>Ditto stood and looked at the shirts.</p><p>Alex moved back to the dresser. She pulled out a pair of jeans, socks, and grabbed a jacket from the closet.</p><p>When she turned back he had one of the shirts in his hand </p><p>"That is a great choice," she said.</p><p>She got the diaper bag together, but kept an eye on Ditto as he worked on getting changed, insisting on doing it himself despite the cast. He managed to pull his pants on himself, but she had to help with the shirt.</p><p>Rick was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, holding their jackets.</p><p>"Everything ready?" he asked.</p><p>Alex nodded as she folded the jackets over her arm. It might be cold where they were going, but wearing them during the drive would get too warm.</p><p>"How long will we be in the car?" she asked.</p><p>Rick kissed her. "Surprise, remember, babe?"</p><p>They were Rick's truck for too long. Ditto was restless barely two hours into the drive, whining in a way Alex knew would lead to tears soon.</p><p>Rick's knuckles were turning white on the wheel.</p><p>"If we stop soon," she carefully started. "I can move to the back, keep him entertained."</p><p>Rick hit the wheel. Alex sunk back in her seat.</p><p>"He doesn't need to be babied every second of the day. He needs to get over it."</p><p>Ditto started crying.</p><p>"Damnit," Rick said. "Richard Alexander!"</p><p>Ditto's cries faltered, then got louder.</p><p>Rick’s jaw twitched.</p><p>It was getting dangerous.</p><p>“Rick.” She kept her voice soft. “You’re excited about this, let me calm Ditto down so we can all enjoy it and we can really appreciate what you’re doing for us.”</p><p>He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. Then again.</p><p>He didn’t say anything, but he pulled into the rest stop a few miles later.</p><p>"I'm going to check his diaper," Alex said as she opened her door.</p><p>"Don't take too long."</p><p>Alex unlatched Ditto's car seat and picked him up. He clung to her, his body shaking from his cries. She carried him across the parking lot and into the bathroom, where she changed his diaper.</p><p>After, she picked him up and just held him. His cries had stopped, but he was still sniffling.</p><p>“Are you okay?” she asked.</p><p>He nodded, not bothering to lift his head from its spot tucked into her neck.</p><p>“Are you ready to go back in the car?”</p><p>He shook his head.</p><p>“I’ll be sitting with you,” she told him. “The entire time.”</p><p>“O-kay,” he mumbled.</p><p>“Alright, baby, let’s go.”</p><p>Rick was leaning against the driver’s door and part way through a cigarette when they got back. Alex got Ditto back into his seat, then grabbed her drink and book from the passenger’s seat. She rounded the truck.</p><p>Rick pulled in a drag of the cigarette. “Don’t think I don’t know what you did there.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Convincing me to stop.” He dropped the butt and stepped on it. “I went for it today, but you can’t baby him forever.”</p><p>He stepped towards her, resting his hand on her hip, kissing her.</p><p>The taste of cigarette made her stomach turn, as did his words after.</p><p>“You can thank me tonight.”</p><p>Alex got into the backseat as Rick headed towards the bathrooms. Ditto stared at her.</p><p>“Do you want me to read you a story while we wait for Daddy?”</p><p>Ditto thought for a moment, then nodded.</p><p>Alex pulled a book out of the diaper bag and was half way through it when Rick returned.</p><p>The rest of the drive was easier. Alex read two more books, then Ditto fell asleep and Alex pulled out her own book and settled in.</p><p>She was pulled out of the story every now and then by Rick cursing at another driver or the truck angling upwards as they entered the mountain range.</p><p>She was nearly at the end of the book before Rick spoke.</p><p>“We’re almost there. Can you wake Ditto?”</p><p>She didn’t want to, would rather let Ditto sleep until they were there and parked, but Alex put her book away. She stalled for a few moments by looking outside.</p><p>They were absolutely in the mountains. Brown slush bordered the narrow road. The pine trees surrounded them in more green than she had seen in her months in National City.</p><p>She pushed aside the strong pang of homesickness and turned to Ditto.</p><p>She brushed a finger up his cheek, spoke softly to him until his face screwed up and he whined.</p><p>“I know,” she said. “We’re almost there, Dit. It’s time to wake up.”</p><p>“Noooo.”</p><p>“It’s almost time for the surprise.”</p><p>He rubbed an eye. “Su-pise?”</p><p>“Yeah, baby, look.” She pointed at the window next to him.</p><p>His eyes went wide. His head snapped back to her.</p><p>“Bubbe?”</p><p>Which made sense. He had only seen evergreen trees in the forest and mountains by Midvale.</p><p>“No, Bubbe isn’t here,” she said. “You’ll get to see her next week, but Daddy has another surprise for us right now.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You’ll see in a minute, bud,” Rick said from the front as the truck slowed. He turned into a gravel parking lot surrounded by trees.</p><p>A sign, wooden and painted, came into view.</p><p>
  <em> Johnson’s Tree Farm and Christmas Wonderland </em>
</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Alex’s stomach twisted. Her chest grew tight.</p><p>“What do you think?” Rick asked after parking.</p><p>Alex forced a smile. “It’s great.”</p><p>The smile fell as soon as he turned away to get out of the truck.</p><p>Alex stayed inside. She unbuckled Ditto and let him pull his arms free as she reached to the front seat to grab their jackets.</p><p>“It’s time to put your jacket on,” she said.</p><p>He let her help him, then climbed out of the seat and into her lap.</p><p>“You ready?” she asked.</p><p>He nodded and held on with his good arm as she got out of the truck.</p><p>“You ready, bud?” Rick asked.</p><p>“Su-pise?”</p><p>“Yeah. We’re going to pick out our Christmas tree today.”</p><p>Ditto’s face lit up.</p><p>The tightness in Alex’s chest loosened slightly. Ditto’s happiness was the most important thing.</p><p>Still, she felt removed from it all as Rick led them past the sign and into the farm. Rick took Ditto and actually carried him instead of making him walk from tree to tree. He stayed a few feet ahead of Alex, kept his focus on Ditto and the trees.</p><p>So all Alex had was a styrofoam cup of hot chocolate bought from a stand run by a couple of teenagers in elf costumes and the absolute surety that she didn’t belong.</p><p>And the fear that she was going to be forced to belong.</p><p>They chose a tree based on Ditto, on the way he stared up at it, eyes sparkling from the Christmas lights strung everywhere.</p><p>Rick got an employee to get the tree ready for them, then started across the lot.</p><p>To the Wonderland.</p><p>"Do you want to see Santa?"</p><p>Ditto tinted his head. "Sanda?"</p><p>Alex shrunk away from the glare Rick sent her way.</p><p>"Yeah," he said as he turned back to Ditto. "He brings the presents on Christmas."</p><p>Ditto was enraptured as Rick told him about Santa during the walk to the Wonderland.</p><p>It wasn't really a full land, more a decorated queue to see Santa.</p><p>When they reached it, gaudy was the first word on Alex's mind. Everyone around, however, seemed to love it.</p><p>Kids. Parents. Young couples. Rick. Ditto.</p><p>She hung back at first, the discomfort only growing, but caught up after a few pointed looks from Rick.</p><p>The path took them through an elf village. Tiny houses. Tiny Christmas trees. A tiny skating rink.</p><p>At the end was an actual house, decorated to look like a gingerbread house. A bored elf stood at the door, letting one family in at a time.</p><p>It wasn't long enough before they were let inside.</p><p>Inside, where Santa sat on a gold painted throne.</p><p>Rick tried to pass Ditto to him, only for Ditto to start crying. Ditto clung to Rick, refused to be handed over.</p><p>"Maybe if mom joins, kiddo will calm down. It can be a family picture," Santa suggested.</p><p>And Alex had no choice. She stepped forward, easily took Ditto from Rick.</p><p>"Mom can sit here with kiddo," Santa said, gesturing to his right. "And dad can sit here."</p><p>So Alex sat and faked a smile as Ditto squirmed in her lap.</p><p>She let Rick pick which picture sizes he wanted, then they started back towards the parking lot. Ditto grew heavier and heavier in her arms as he started to fall asleep.</p><p>Their tree was waiting for them, wrapped in mesh. Rick and an employee worked on getting the tree in the truck bed as Alex got Ditto into his car seat. Once he was buckled, she joined Rick at the back of the truck. The tree was too big to fit in the bed, so was held down with bungee cords with the tailgate left open.</p><p>Rick smiled as he pulled her towards him.</p><p>“Thank you,” he said. “I know this stuff isn’t really your thing, but it means a lot to me.”</p><p>Guilt flooded her.</p><p>She should have tried harder to appreciate Rick planning the day.</p><p>“Ditto really enjoyed it,” she said.</p><p>He cupped her cheek, gently rubbed her skin with his thumb. “Did you?”</p><p>She lied with a nod. “I did. Spending time with both of you? It’s always my favorite.”</p><p>He grinned. His smile faltered for a moment as he looked towards the cab of the truck.</p><p>"Have you thought any on having another kid?"</p><p>Alex took a deep breath. "I really don't want to."</p><p>His smile fell completely. "Oh."</p><p>"I just…"</p><p>"No, it's…" He sighed. "You don't have to explain."</p><p>He turned, started towards the driver's door.</p><p>Alex closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths.</p><p>She was a horrible person. A horrible wife.</p><p>###</p><p>Maggie was warm. Warm and comfortable and so very tired.</p><p>Lucy was curled around her back, her breath warm on Maggie’s neck, her arm limp across Maggie’s waist.</p><p>If she couldn’t sleep, at least she was in her favorite place.</p><p>Maggie began to absently draw shapes on Lucy’s arm, only to freeze when Lucy shifted.</p><p>Shifted</p><p>Shifted</p><p>Lucy’s fingers twitched then gripped as she pulled Maggie tighter against her.</p><p>“Why you awake?” Lucy mumbled.</p><p>Because Lucy was going on a short training mission for a few nights and Maggie was worried and not looking forward to an empty apartment.</p><p>“Can’t sleep,” Maggie whispered.</p><p>Lucy hummed. “Time?”</p><p>Maggie squinted at the red numbers of the clock.</p><p>“Four something.”</p><p>Two hours before their alarms went off.</p><p>Lucy whined, snuggled even closer. “You sleep at all?”</p><p>“A little,” Maggie answered. “Not enough.”</p><p>Lucy shifted again. Her fingers teased at the band of Maggie’s boxers.</p><p>“I can help,” she softly offered.</p><p>“I dunno.”</p><p>Lucy’s hand moved back up, rested over Maggie’s stomach.</p><p>They laid there for ten, twenty, thirty minutes, speaking occasionally, but mostly enjoying the silence, the warmth, the contact with each other.</p><p>But Lucy did need to sleep and wouldn't while Maggie was awake.</p><p>“Luce?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“That offer still open?”</p><p>Lucy pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. “Absolutely.”</p><p>-o-</p><p>Maggie was cold. She curled into a ball, shivered. She reached out blindly, searching for the blanket. She found Lucy, but no free blanket. She pushed herself up, squinted through the dark, and sighed.</p><p>Lucy had, yet again, stolen the blanket and wrapped herself tightly in it.</p><p>Maggie rolled her eyes and sat up. There was no getting any part of the blanket back. A glance at the clock told her their alarm was going to go off in less than thirty minutes anyway. So, really, Lucy’s blanket stealing tendencies were just making sure Maggie got the first shower.</p><p>She came out twenty minutes later to Lucy still balled up with the blanket.</p><p>Unsurprisingly.</p><p>Lucy didn’t emerge for another twenty minutes, another ten of sleeping and a ten minute shower. Her arms were raised as she left the bedroom, working her hair into a bun. She looked around the kitchen at the food Maggie was making, her eyes narrowing at the mug in Maggie’s hands.</p><p>“None for me?” she asked.</p><p>Maggie took a sip of her coffee as she pointed to the pot. “Blanket hogs can get their own coffee”</p><p>Lucy at least had the decency to look ashamed. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Maggie reached out and took Lucy’s hand, tugging her close. “Maybe we start using two blankets? So we each get one.”</p><p>“That sounds like a good plan.” Lucy leaned in and kissed her, just a peck, before pulling away to get her coffee. “You’re only working half the day, right?”</p><p>“Yup.”</p><p>“Good, you can come home and sleep after.”</p><p>“Yeah, no. Torah study today.”</p><p>Lucy raised an eyebrow at her. “You got maybe an hour of sleep last night.”</p><p>Maggie lifted her mug. “That’s what the coffee is for.”</p><p>“Maggie.”</p><p>“Fine, fine. I’ll think about not going.”</p><p>“You’re hopeless.”</p><p>Maggie just shrugged as she took another sip of coffee.</p><p>-o-</p><p>Alex pulled her pill case out of the cabinet, opened the Tuesday section and dumped the contents out into her palm. She paused.</p><p>Each section was full.</p><p>That wasn't possible.</p><p>Every Sunday she filled the container with each day's assortment of vitamins and her birth control pills, then emptied it through the week. The empty sections helped her make sure she took the day's pill and didn't take too much because she had forgotten that she already did that day.</p><p>There was no way she had forgotten the past two days.</p><p>She looked at the pills in her hand, then spread them out on the bathroom counter. They all looked right.</p><p>She picked each one up, inspected it closer.</p><p>Why, though?</p><p>Maybe Rick had noticed it was almost empty and had decided to do something small for her before he was gone a few days.</p><p>But he wouldn't. He never had before.</p><p>She picked up the birth control pill.</p><p>Her stomach dropped.</p><p>It felt wrong. It's surface rough and powdery, not the smooth shell it should be.</p><p>She was pretty sure.</p><p>Alex chewed on her lip. She closed her fingers around the pill, and left the bathroom.</p><p>She had picked up her latest refill just the other day and it was still in her purse.</p><p>Ditto was where she had left him, sitting in the living room and coloring in a book while <em> 101 Dalmatians </em>played on the TV. He looked up as she walked to the kitchen, waved at her, then went back to his coloring.</p><p>In the kitchen, Alex stepped to the island, pulled her purse towards her, and dug through it until she found her refill pack. She popped a pill out.</p><p>It was definitely different.</p><p>
  <em> Have you thought of having another? </em>
</p><p>He wouldn't.</p><p>He wouldn’t.</p><p>Except.</p><p>He would.</p><p>She knew he would.</p><p>Alex squeezed her eyes shut.</p><p>She couldn’t be impulsive. She had to think this through.</p><p>“Mommy!” Ditto ran into her leg, his picture book hitting her on one side, his cast hitting her on the other.</p><p>She had to be careful.</p><p>She bent down and picked him up, balancing him on her hip.</p><p>“What’s up?” she asked.</p><p>He thrust his book towards her and started to ramble off, partially in actual words, partially in baby talk.</p><p>Alex pressed a kiss to the side of his head.</p><p>She needed help.</p><p>-o-</p><p>Halfway through her shift, Maggie knew she wasn’t going to make it to Torah study. At the end of her shift, she really wanted nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed.</p><p>But, Alex had texted her, asking to meet for lunch to talk about something and Maggie wasn't about to cancel on her.</p><p>So, after a short bus ride, she was at the park they had agreed to meet at.</p><p>Alex was sitting cross legged in the sandbox, watching Ditto push sand around. She waved when she noticed Maggie, then said something to Ditto before standing.</p><p>"Hey,” she said, brushing sand off of her hand. “You okay with taking a few minutes before leaving? I just want to give Ditto some time to get ready.”</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>Alex stepped towards her and her brow furrowed.</p><p>"Are you okay?"</p><p>No. Not really. Her head pounded, pushed against the back of her eyes. The world wasn't entirely stable around her. She would give almost anything to be asleep.</p><p>"Yeah, I'm fine."</p><p>A crinkle appeared between Alex's eyebrows. "We can meet another time if you need to go home."</p><p>Something in Alex's face, in her voice, made Maggie stand fast as she was suddenly sure another time wouldn't happen.</p><p>"Hey, no, I'm here."</p><p>"You look dead on your feet."</p><p>Maggie took a deep breath, her brain fighting against sludge. "What if, instead of a restaurant, we go to my place? I can cook something, and when we're done, you don't have to worry about me trying to get home after eating."</p><p>Alex watched her for a few moments, eyes sharp, mouth slightly screwed up to the side as she considered.</p><p>"Would you feel comfortable letting me cook instead?" she finally said.</p><p>Maggie nodded. She was usually much more protective of her kitchen, but she was too tired to even boil water.</p><p>Alex smiled. "Deal." She looked back to the sandbox. "It's time to go, baby."</p><p>Ditto frowned but stood. Alex sighed at the ocean of sand that fell off of him.</p><p>He picked up his toys one at a time and carried them, arms barely long enough to hold them all. He dropped them next to an open bag and started to carefully put them inside one at a time.</p><p>"We're going to eat at Maggie's home," Alex told him. "Maybe if you ask her you can help me cook."</p><p>Ditto looked up at her with large, excited eyes. "Pease?"</p><p>"I think that would be okay," Maggie said with a laugh.</p><p>He cheered.</p><p>Alex shouldered the toy bag before picking him up.</p><p>They made tentative plans on what Alex was going to make as they made their way to Alex's car parked on the street.</p><p>Maggie noted the packed bags next to Ditto's car seat but didn't comment. Alex would bring it up when she was ready.</p><p>-o-</p><p>Alex was honestly jealous of Maggie's kitchen. The one at home was fine, the appliances were only a few years old and it had much more space, but it didn't feel good.</p><p>Maggie's kitchen, tiny and cramped with a fridge that was probably installed in the eighties, felt good.</p><p>It felt like her Zayde's kitchen. It felt like the kitchen in Midvale had before her dad died.</p><p>Alex looked across the apartment. Maggie was fast asleep on the couch. She had sat down after giving Alex a brief run down of where things were and was out instantly.</p><p>Ditto giggled as he held his finger to his lips. Alex copied the gesture.</p><p>"Do you want to help me?"</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>She picked him up from the counter chair he was sitting in and carried him to the stove. She tilted the wooden spoon towards him.</p><p>"Can you stir the soup?"</p><p>He nodded and took it. A look of pure concentration covered his face as he stirred.</p><p>"He likes cooking."</p><p>Alex raised an eyebrow as she turned to Maggie. "Shouldn't you be asleep?"</p><p>Maggie shrugged. "It's been over an hour and that smells amazing." She focused on Ditto. "Did you make this?"</p><p>He nodded, pointed the dripping spoon at Maggie.</p><p>"He wants you to try it," Alex explained.</p><p>Maggie leaned forward to try it. “That’s amazing. You’re a great cook, Ditto.”</p><p>“It has po-tatoes and eeks and cream.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Uh-huh. Mommy made it but I help.”</p><p>“I’m excited to eat it.”</p><p>“It just needs a little longer,” Alex said.</p><p>“I’ll get the table set. Do you want to help, Ditto?”</p><p>Alex grinned as Ditto nodded. Maggie took him and started to gather dishes.</p><p>Alex focused on the soup, not on how much she wished Ditto had another parent who treated him the way Maggie was.</p><p>“Do you cook with your mom a lot?”</p><p>“Nuh-uh.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Daddy.”</p><p>Alex winced. "Rick thinks it's too dangerous," she explained.</p><p>It wasn't a lie, that was the reason Rick always gave, Alex just knew that wasn't his real reason.</p><p>Maggie changed the subject, directing her conversation with a toddler with ease. She kept the conversation focused on Ditto as they ate, to Alex's relief.</p><p>It would hopefully make it easier to talk to Maggie after eating.</p><p>-o-</p><p>Alex was quiet.</p><p>She had been since they put lunch away and set Ditto up with a movie. She was just staring at the back of the couch Ditto was on, not speaking.</p><p>Maggie didn't want to force her into talking, but also didn't want her to regret not saying anything.</p><p>"You said you had something you wanted to talk about?" she gently prodded.</p><p>Alex sucked in a breath. "Yeah, I, uh…" She ducked her head, pushed some hair back. "It's hard."</p><p>"Whatever it is, I'm here."</p><p>Another breath and Alex looked back up. "Yeah, yeah. It's…" a breath "... Rick had been asking about us having more kids."</p><p>Not exactly where Maggie expected it to start.</p><p>"He really wants more, but I don't. I mean, Ditto was hard enough, is hard enough. Even if I wanted to go through pregnancy again, and labor, fuck labor. Even if I was okay with that, I don't know if I can take care of two kids. I'm not even twenty-five yet-"</p><p>Fuck she was young. Maggie never really thought about it, but Alex was a few years younger than her and Lucy and she couldn't even imagine having a kid already.</p><p>"- and I have so much I still want to do, some of which I can't do while I have to take care of kids."</p><p>Alex's head dropped again. Her hands were tucked into her sleeves, the cuffs twisted around her fingers.</p><p>"I think he's messing with my birth control."</p><p>Sirens went off on Maggie's head.</p><p>"What's he doing?" She kept her voice steady.</p><p>"Switched the pills in my container with something else. I'm not positive. It could all be in my head but…"</p><p>"Do you think it's in your head?"</p><p>Alex stared at her with wide eyes and shook her head.</p><p>"I think he wants it to seem like it happened naturally."</p><p>Maggie nodded. "It's possible." She shifted to face Alex more directly. "It's not uncommon for a partner or spouse to use a pregnancy to keep someone in a relationship."</p><p>"He wouldn't do that."</p><p>But Maggie could see that Alex didn't believe herself.</p><p>"Is that why you have luggage in your car?"</p><p>Alex grew even more tense. "I...I just needed to get out of the house for a few days. I'll be going back before they come back from training."</p><p>"Where are you going to stay?"</p><p>Alex shrugged. "I'll start looking for a hotel once we leave here."</p><p>"You can stay here."</p><p>"Oh that's, that's really kind of you but I can't take up your space."</p><p>"It's fine, really. I mean, it'll just be me until they get back and the couch pulls out."</p><p>Alex looked towards the couch.</p><p>"And this way you won't have to explain the costs to Rick."</p><p>Alex shook her head. "I have my own bank account. It doesn't have much in it, but enough."</p><p>So she wasn't fully financially dependent on Rick. That was good.</p><p>"Still," Maggie continued. "I would love for you to stay here. Ditto can keep me company while Lucy's gone."</p><p>Alex took a deep breath. "yeah, okay. That would… That would be great, actually."</p><p>"Awesome."</p><p>Maggie took a moment to watch Alex.</p><p>Her shoulders were pulled in. Her fingers never stopped moving.</p><p>"You want to watch the rest of the movie before we go get your things?"</p><p>Alex nodded. "Yeah."</p><p>They moved to the couch. Alex pulled Ditto into her lap as she sat.</p><p>Maggie managed to not keep glancing at them.</p><p>Alex had taken the first step, now Maggie just needed to be there and make sure she got the help she needed.</p><p>-o-</p><p>Alex held her breath as she shifted Ditto from on top of her to the cushion of the pull out. His face screwed up, but he didn't wake.</p><p>She waited a few more moments before scooching to the edge of the bed and standing. It was dark, the only light coming from street lights through the gap in the curtains. It might be just enough for her to use.</p><p>She made her way to the armchair by the window, moving slowly to not bump into anything. She grabbed the book on top of the pile on the floor, not bothering to check the title before diving in.</p><p>She sank into the story, letting it distract her racing mind.</p><p>A few chapters in, however, she stopped. She kept a finger in her place and inspected the cover.</p><p>It looked like a typical fantasy romance cover, the main leads draped over each other in an overly detailed painting. Except the guy wasn't shirtless and Alex was pretty sure she knew why.</p><p>The blurb on the back didn't give anything away, but on the top of the spine, two female symbols linked together.</p><p>Okay</p><p>Okay</p><p>For a moment Alex considered putting the book back.</p><p>But she couldn't. She had never allowed herself to actually explore her attraction to women, not even through fiction.</p><p>She was married. It didn't seem important.</p><p>With the opportunity literally in hand, however, she couldn't let it go.</p><p>She started reading again.</p><p>###</p><p>Maggie started to open her bedroom door, then paused. She looked down at her shirt.</p><p>One of Lucy's.</p><p>Clearly one of Lucy's.</p><p>She closed the door, crossed the room to her closet, and grabbed a hoodie. She pulled it on as she made her way back across the room.</p><p>In the living area, Alex was still asleep, curled up in the armchair, but Ditto was sitting in the bed, playing quietly.</p><p>“Hey, kiddo.”</p><p>He looked at her and waved.</p><p>“You hungry?”</p><p>He nodded, then scrambled out of the bed when she gestured for him to follow her.</p><p>She opened the pantry to see what breakfast food there was, and what would be safe for a two year old.</p><p>What was safe for a two year old? She had seen him eat a lot of food. Was cereal a choking hazard?</p><p>Maggie was quickly realizing she knew nothing about toddlers.</p><p>She turned to Ditto.</p><p>“What do you usually eat for breakfast?”</p><p>He thought for a moment. “Cookie.”</p><p>Maggie stared at him before laughing. “You eat cookies for breakfast?”</p><p>He nodded enthusiastically, clearly trying to keep his expression serious.</p><p>“I don’t think that’s right,” she said.</p><p>“Uh-huh.”</p><p>“Hmm.” She looked in the pantry. She wasn’t about to give him cookies, but she reached to the back of the top shelf and pulled out a box of Pop-Tarts.</p><p>She was going to have to buy Lucy more, but doubted she would be mad.</p><p>“How about these?”</p><p>His eyes went wide and he nodded again.</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>She got him set up at the small kitchen table, started the coffee maker, then made her way towards Alex.</p><p>She must have fallen asleep reading, the book trapped between her legs and torso in her curled position.</p><p>Maggie wanted to let her keep sleeping, but she had to get ready for work and didn't think leaving Ditto unsupervised was a good idea.</p><p>"Alex?" Maggie tested.</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>Maggie carefully set a hand on Alex's shoulder.</p><p>Alex jolted, eyes snapping open.</p><p>"Hey, hey, you're okay," Maggie said, voice gentle.</p><p>Alex looked around the room for a few moments before relaxing.</p><p>"Sorry," Alex murmured, unfolding in the chair.</p><p>"You're alright."</p><p>Maggie’s focus dropped to the book and she tensed.</p><p>Alex noticed immediately. “I’m sorry, it was on the top of the pile and I picked it up without even really noticing it and…”</p><p>“You can’t tell anyone,” Maggie cut in, skipping right past attempted denial to damage control. “If anyone finds out that Lucy lives with a lesbian they could try to use it against her and it could cost her her career.”</p><p>“I won’t tell anyone.”</p><p>“I’m serious, Alex.”</p><p>Alex grabbed Maggie’s hand, held it in both of hers and looked up with large, brown eyes.</p><p>“I promise.”</p><p>Maggie believed her. “Okay. Okay.” She stepped back, ran a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry, it’s just…”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Alex said. “You can’t let just anyone know. It isn’t safe.”</p><p>Maggie nodded. “Yeah. Yeah.” She took a deep breath and glanced towards the kitchen. “I’m getting breakfast ready. Do you want anything? Ditto requested cookies.”</p><p>Alex rolled her eyes, but laughed. “I’ll be right over.”</p><p>Maggie started back towards the kitchen, but paused when Alex said her name. She turned back around.</p><p>Nerves were clear on Alex’s face. “I really liked the book, by the way.”</p><p>-o-</p><p>In the morning, the library had been bright, sunlight easily coming through the large windows. It was darker barely an hour before they closed, darker and quieter and much less populated.</p><p>Alex was able to grab a board book from the kids section without almost tripping on other people’s kids, then in the computer lab, she found a station with nobody nearby. She set Ditto in the empty seat next to hers and logged onto the computer.</p><p>She checked her email.</p><p>An old professor wanted to know if she was interested in…</p><p>She closed the email before getting any further. She couldn’t go back, not yet.</p><p>“Mommy?”</p><p>“Yeah, baby?”</p><p>“What’s dis?” He held the book out, pointing to a picture.</p><p>“That’s Big Ben.”</p><p>“Big Ben?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s a giant clock in a city called London.”</p><p>He nodded and pulled the book back towards him.</p><p>Alex turned back to the computer. She navigated to the Army wives forum she had found not long after she and Rick had married. It had helped her handle the distance, the milestones passed without him, then the move.</p><p>She had never posted anything in it until that morning.</p><p>Her gut churned as she scrolled through the responses.</p><p>A large number of comments deleted by the moderators.</p><p>And people telling her to stay with Rick.</p><p>
  <em> Just remember that an accusation like that, true or not, could lead to a serviceman being discharged. His job is stressful enough, is it right for you to put it at risk? </em>
</p><p>Bands tightened around her chest as she closed the page.</p><p>She was going to ruin everything.</p><p>She logged off the computer. She picked Ditto up. She left the book on the return shelf.</p><p>She moved through the inclosing static of the world on autopilot.</p><p>She was going to ruin everything.</p><p>To the car.</p><p>Through the streets.</p><p>To Maggie’s apartment.</p><p>The spare key given from Maggie that morning.</p><p>Everything was going to be ruined.</p><p>Ditto easily went down for a late nap.</p><p>She had time to shower.</p><p>She starred in the mirror, shirt on the floor, bruises stark in the bright light.</p><p>The door opened.</p><p>“Shit, Alex.”</p><p>-o-</p><p>Alex liked the book.</p><p>Maggie had been mulling it over all day.</p><p>Alex liked her trashy lesbian romance novel.</p><p>The really badly written lesbian romance novel Maggie still kept around because it had been the first one she bought.</p><p>She could still feel the nerves of walking up to the Gay and Lesbian shelf in the bookstore. Could still feel the fear as she handed it to the cashier.</p><p>But the way the story warmed her had made it all worthwhile.</p><p>And Alex, picture of a married young straight woman</p><p>Alex, married to an abusive man</p><p>Alex liked it.</p><p>Alex made sure to tell her that she liked it.</p><p>Which, could it mean what Maggie’s instincts thought it meant?</p><p>As bad as the writing was, there was only one reason to read it, only one reason to like it.</p><p>Maggie tried to push the thoughts away all day. Alex was in a bad situation and her sexuality, whatever it may be, wasn’t entirely important until after she was out of said situation.</p><p>Still, they persisted. Alex had wanted her to know, so maybe Alex had wanted her to <em> know </em>.</p><p>Maggie unlocked her door, glanced around the apartment as she set her helmet and bag on the counter.</p><p>Empty.</p><p>Alex and Ditto must still be out.</p><p>Maggie moved deeper into the apartment. Shower first, then she could start getting dinner ready.</p><p>Except they weren’t still out and Alex was shirtless in the bathroom and there were so many bruises.</p><p>Maggie couldn’t stop her initial reaction, then closed the door and walked away. A quick glance back towards the living room revealed Ditto curled up against the back of the couch, small enough to be invisible from behind.</p><p>She pushed into her bedroom as rage filled her gut, boiled over into her chest. She had suspected, of course she had suspected, but to actually see it was completely different.</p><p>The rage ran hot through her. She needed to act, needed to do something, but all she could do was pace back and forth.</p><p>A knock at her door pulled her to a halt and made her heart ache.</p><p>It was tentative. Scared.</p><p>Maggie took a few deep breaths. She needed to be calm. She couldn’t react in a way that would make things worse.</p><p>She opened the door and Alex looked so small.</p><p>“Can I come in?”</p><p>Maggie stepped back, held the door open. “Yeah.”</p><p>Alex stared at her wringing hands for a few moments. “I don’t know what you saw but…”</p><p>“We both know what I saw.”</p><p>Alex shook her head. “It isn’t what you think it is.”</p><p>“Alex.”</p><p>She finally looked at Maggie.</p><p>She was afraid, it was clear across her face, but Maggie knew the song and dance too well to let it continue.</p><p>“Did Rick give you those?”</p><p>“He just gets stressed, or angry and…”</p><p>And Alex was in the way or an easy outlet or even the source so conveniently right there.</p><p>“There’s no excuse,” Maggie said.</p><p>“He doesn’t mean to.”</p><p>“But he still does it.”</p><p>Alex’s entire body trembled. She took a step back. Another. She hit the wall and slid to the floor. She pulled her knees to her chest, buried her face in her arms.</p><p>It took Maggie a few more moments to realize she was silently crying.</p><p>Maggie crouched next to her.</p><p>“You aren’t alone, Alex,” she softly said.</p><p>Alex turned her head to look at Maggie. “I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>“We’ll figure it out. I promise.”</p><p>-o-</p><p>The heat of the tea seeped through the ceramic, warming Alex’s hands. She pulled one hand away to adjust the blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Her head still pounded slightly from crying earlier.</p><p>“He wasn’t always like this,” she said. She curled her fingers around the mug again. “Rick.” She sighed and stared down into the tea. “We knew each other in high school and he was…” She took a deep breath, smiled lightly as she thought of those days. “He was nice and charming. I mean, when my sister moved in, and started to go to school with me, the other kids were so mean, constantly teasing her. But Rick didn’t.”</p><p>Not to Kara, anyway. He had always agreed with Alex when she said anything mean about Kara, but nothing else.</p><p>“After high school, he enlisted and I went to college. We didn’t keep in touch, but then ran into each other when we were both back home a few years later.”</p><p>She looked up.</p><p>Maggie was watching her with a gentle expression.</p><p>She looked back down </p><p>“He was so sweet,” Alex continued. “He said he never had the courage to properly ask me out during high school, but he couldn’t let the opportunity go again. We went out a few times, then he went back to Hawaii and we decided to try long distance.” She laughed. “He used to write me a letter every day, then send me the bundle at the end of the month. When he moved from Hawaii to Spain, he made sure he was able to spend a week with me before leaving the country.”</p><p>She looked to the armchair, to Ditto curled up in sleep.</p><p>“A few months later, I told him I was pregnant, and he proposed. He already had a ring, said he was just waiting for the right moment.” Her brow furrowed. “After we moved here and started living together, it changed.” She shook her head. “I should have known. As sweet as he was, the signs were there.”</p><p>He always wanted to know who she was hanging out with, then made it clear he didn’t want her hanging out with her friends, that he didn’t trust them.</p><p>Some of the letters were more possessive in hindsight, talking about how he couldn’t wait to show her off to the other soldiers, about how he would soon be able to take care of her and she wouldn’t need to worry about anything.</p><p>He wanted her to drop out of school as soon as she told him she was pregnant. She wanted to continue her degree track and go onto her doctorate program like planned. Her finishing her masters, then waiting for her doctorate was the compromise.</p><p>“Don’t take yourself down that path,” Maggie gently said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”</p><p>Alex shook her head. “Growing up I was always supposed to be smart and after my dad died, I was supposed to be strong enough to deal with that. How could I let myself…”</p><p>“Alex,” Maggie cut in. “It is not your fault. People like Rick, they pull you in by being sweet and charming and funny. They don’t let you know what they’re really like until you’re in and can’t easily get out.”</p><p>Alex looked at Ditto again. Her chest tightened.</p><p>“I lost my dad when I was fifteen. How could I..?” She shook her head. “He’s never hurt Ditto, but if I leave he might be able to take Ditto from me and how can I make Ditto grow up without his dad, or grow up with just him? Without me there to protect him?”</p><p>“My dad kicked me out when I was fourteen.”</p><p>Alex froze. She turned back to Maggie. “What?”</p><p>She didn’t look at Alex, was staring intently at her own mug of tea. “Sent me off with a backpack and a foot of snow on the ground.” She swallowed. Her jaw ticked. She lifted her shirt slightly, revealing an old scar on her side. “He gave me this when I was ten.” She lowered the shirt. “On good days? He was great. The best dad I could want. He taught me how to ride a bike, how to build a deck, how to hunt deer. But, the good days don’t come close to outweighing the bad.”</p><p>“Maggie, I…”</p><p>Maggie shook her head. “And my mom tried. At first.”</p><p>Alex sucked in a breath.</p><p>“I’ve talked to family members and they always called her so strong. A boulder in a storm, my aunt once said. But, boulders eventually erode and by the time his focus turned to me, she didn’t have the strength anymore. He had worn her down.” Maggie swallowed, let out a shaky breath. “I’m not saying that would happen to you and Ditto, but I promise that all of those doubts about Ditto needing both of you are just doubts.”</p><p>"I won't let Rick hurt him," Alex insisted. "I won't."</p><p>She would die before that.</p><p>###</p><p>Maggie crossed her arms as she watched Alex pack the few things she had taken from the luggage.</p><p>"Okay, just, explain to me one more time why you're going back?"</p><p>Alex sighed. She zipped the bag and looked at Maggie.</p><p>"I can't risk things going bad."</p><p>Maggie raised an eyebrow, not saying that things were clearly already bad.</p><p>"We'll keep working on a plan, something he can't defend against," Alex continued. "I just...I have to be careful."</p><p>Maggie let out a deep breath. She didn’t particularly want to let Alex go back home, not knowing that she was getting hurt there, but she couldn’t discount Alex’s logic. Alex had said multiple times that Ditto was her main priority, and just up and leaving came with a large risk of Rick being able to get custody of Ditto.</p><p>She still didn’t like it.</p><p>-o-</p><p>Alex cleaned to keep busy as she waited for Rick to get home.</p><p>Laundry.</p><p>Putting the luggage back.</p><p>Dusting every flat surface.</p><p>Vacuuming the entire house.</p><p>Dinner was cooking.</p><p>Fresh brownies were cooling on the stove.</p><p>Ditto was playing in the living room.</p><p>Everything had to be perfect. Everything had to look like they had spent the last few days at home.</p><p>The longer she waited, the more her brain circled around herself.</p><p>Maybe she should have stayed with Maggie.</p><p>Maybe she never should have gone to Maggie’s in the first place.</p><p>Maybe she was throwing it all out of proportion. Rick wasn’t really that bad.</p><p>The front door opened.</p><p>Alex took a deep breath.</p><p>Everything would be okay.</p><p>Rick grinned when he saw her. He pulled her into a tight hug.</p><p>“I missed you,” he whispered into her hair.</p><p>She hadn’t missed him at all.</p><p>She was a horrible wife and person. She was planning on leaving him while he was training for his dangerous job and missing her.</p><p>###</p><p>To say the store was crowded was an understatement. It felt like there were lines everywhere.</p><p>Lines to find a parking spot. Lines to get into the store. Lines snaking in and out of every aisle.</p><p>Alex dreaded the lines to check out.</p><p>Ditto, at least, was home with Rick. There was no way he would have gotten through the shopping trip without at least one breakdown.</p><p>She finally made it into the cereal aisle, the three boxes she grabbed barely making the effort to get them worth it.</p><p>But, they were the last of the food she needed and it had taken enough time that she could check with the picture development kiosk again.</p><p>It took nearly ten minutes to cross the store, but it seemed like the development kiosk was the one area not swamped. Most people, Alex assumed, were waiting until after the holidays to get pictures developed.</p><p>The employee smiled as she approached.</p><p>“They just finished,” the girl said, already flipping through the bin of envelopes.</p><p>Alex chuckled. “Good. I already have probably an hour wait to check out.”</p><p>“Probably,” the girl said. She handed the envelope over. “Have a merry Christmas.”</p><p>Alex forced a smile. “You too.”</p><p>She fought to get to the front of the store and joined the queue to be directed to a register.</p><p>She pulled her phone out to text Maggie and Lucy about getting the pictures, but stopped, closing her phone before she could even open the messages. She hadn’t been avoiding them over the last few days, not exactly, but she didn’t know how to explain to Maggie that she didn’t need the help.</p><p>Phone back in her purse, she flipped through the pictures as she waited.</p><p>Ditto posing with every turtle and tortoise the zoo had. Ditto and Lucy looking at Jellyfish. Maggie reading a sign about spiders to Ditto.</p><p>A picture of her holding Ditto. He was passed out on her shoulder. She was looking at something out of frame.</p><p>Her heart ached.</p><p>She put the pictures into her purse and waited.</p><p>And waited.</p><p>And waited.</p><p>Until, finally, she was directed to a register.</p><p>It was still a bit before she was out of the store with how large her purchase was. She wasn't shopping for just Rick, Ditto, and herself, but for her mom and Kara who would arrive that night.</p><p>She still had to prepare the food, clean the house, and get herself and Ditto ready, and she wasn’t out of the store yet.</p><p>It felt like much too long before she finally was. Her bags were loaded in the car and she inched her way out of the parking lot, the car taking her vacated spot just barely missing her.</p><p>The drive home was easier and then she was home.</p><p>Home that didn’t feel much like home with the Christmas lights hanging outside and the scent of pine slamming into her once she opened the door.</p><p>Ditto’s head popped out from around a corner. He giggled at her and waved.</p><p>She gave him her purse to take to the kitchen as Rick appeared.</p><p>They got the groceries inside and Alex was finally able to move at the speed she needed to.</p><p>Groceries away.</p><p>Dinner started and the dishwasher set for the first load.</p><p>Ditto washed and dressed.</p><p>The next stage of dinner finished.</p><p>The front hall vacuumed.</p><p>Herself showered, mirrors avoided, and dressed, sleeves long.</p><p>Dinner finished, table set, Ditto told - again - to put his toys away.</p><p>“What is this?”</p><p>Everything slowed to a crashing halt.</p><p>Rick was in the kitchen.</p><p>Rick was next to her purse.</p><p>Rick was flipping through the pictures.</p><p>Alex stepped towards him slowly, cautiously. “I took Ditto to the zoo. I told you about that.”</p><p>His face was stone.</p><p>“With these people?”</p><p>“They’re friends.”</p><p>He laughed a single breath. “I’ve told you about what she’s like. Always on my ass like the fucking bitch she is, and you’re friends with her.”</p><p>Alex fumbled for a response.</p><p>It wasn’t like that</p><p>Or</p><p>It wasn’t how it seemed</p><p>Or</p><p>Anything she could say through the swelling lump in her throat trapping the fear in her chest.</p><p>He dropped the pictures onto the counter.</p><p>He stepped towards her.</p><p>The doorbell rang.</p><p>“I should go get that,” Alex said.</p><p>Rick glared at her for a few moments before nodding. “Yeah, you should.”</p><p>He left the kitchen.</p><p>Alex sucked in a deep breath. She picked up the pictures, tucked them back into her purse.</p><p>Another deep breath, and she made her way to the front door.</p><p>She forced a smile at the last moment, certain that any earlier and it would fall apart.</p><p>Kara slammed into her the moment the door was open, rambling without breathing about how much she missed Alex and how excited she was to be living in National City too and how great it was going to be.</p><p>“Unka!”</p><p>Kara let go of her, crying out ‘Ditto!’ and she was past Alex.</p><p>Alex chuckled, her chest still tight, and turned to her mother. “I see who the important one is here,” she said.</p><p>Eliza laughed, pulled her in for a hug. “It’s good to see you, sweetie.”</p><p>“You, too, Mom.”</p><p>The tension never fully left Alex during dinner. If anything, it got worse.</p><p>Rick watched her, his face hard, his anger simmering just beneath the surface.</p><p>Her mother watched her, confused at times, concerned at others.</p><p>So Alex put on her best face and gave her best performance.</p><p>She was happy.</p><p>She was a good mother.</p><p>She was a good wife.</p><p>And maybe if everything went perfectly, Rick wouldn't be as mad about the pictures.</p><p>She was getting more and more hopeful as the night went on and Rick relaxed.</p><p>"What time should we get here tomorrow?"</p><p>Well, never mind.</p><p>"We actually can't do tomorrow," Rick answered. His voice was perfectly regretful. "Something came up last minute."</p><p>Kara's face fell.</p><p>Eliza's eyes flicked to Alex, questioning.</p><p>"You're at least still lighting the candles, right?" Kara pushed. "I haven't seen the menorah at all."</p><p>Not amongst all the Christmas decorations, Eliza's eyes added.</p><p>"With Ditto so active these days, I didn't want to risk having it out too long," Alex lied.</p><p>It was believable. The menorah had been in the family for well over a hundred years, had come over from Russia in the early 1900s.</p><p>It was one of the few things specifically left to Alex in her father's will. It was the only one she had brought down to National City with her, the surfboard and motorcycle still in the garage in Midvale.</p><p>In her lap, Ditto mumbled in his sleep.</p><p>“I should probably get Ditto to bed,” she said as she stood, holding him carefully.</p><p>She left the room before anyone could say anything, but Rick’s voice once she was past the door made her stop.</p><p>“I’m sorry. We’ve actually known for a while, she just didn’t know how to tell you. She knows how important it is to you two and didn’t want to disappoint.”</p><p>Alex escaped up the stairs before she could hear anymore.</p><p>She shortened Ditto’s bedtime routine, changing him, brushing his teeth, then cuddled with him in bed as she sang the Shema.</p><p>It was tempting to stay, even after he was asleep. She could fall asleep herself, hide from everything waiting for her downstairs.</p><p>But her mother was concerned and Rick was mad enough.</p><p>She gave herself a few more minutes before slowly getting out of Ditto’s bed. She stopped in the bathroom to give herself another few minutes, then forced herself to go down.</p><p>The conversation barely paused as she entered the room. She sat next to Kara, not even registering what was being said. She nearly jumped when Kara leaned towards her and whispered.</p><p>“You okay?”</p><p>Alex nodded, smiled. “Just tired.”</p><p>It wasn’t a lie. She was exhausted.</p><p>“Well, I’m nearby now,” Kara continued. “I’ll help with Ditto whenever I can.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>They left both too soon and not soon enough with hugs and promises to meet up before Eliza returned to Midvale.</p><p>Alex stared at the closed door, at the headlights backing out of the driveway.</p><p>Fingers closed around her arm, digging into an already formed bruise as she was pulled back, shoved against the wall.</p><p>“Why can’t you do anything right?” Rick asked, stepping into her space. “You expose my son to those...<em> dykes </em>...”</p><p>He spat out the word, spittle hitting her face.</p><p>“You don’t tell your family that we aren’t doing Chanukah this year, and then leave it up to me to lie to them.”</p><p>“Rick...I…”</p><p>He pulled her slightly away from the wall, only to slam her back into it.</p><p>“No. I don’t want any of your excuses. I want you to do what you’re supposed to. I want you to do what I need you to.”</p><p>“Mommy?”</p><p>Alex’s blood froze.</p><p>She barely heard Rick’s comment.</p><p>
  <em> Well, maybe if you won’t listen, I need to be more persuasive. </em>
</p><p>Then his grip on her arm vanished.</p><p>He was turning away from her.</p><p>Ditto was there.</p><p>Ditto was there.</p><p>Alex moved.</p><p>She put herself between Rick and her son.</p><p>“Don’t you fucking hurt him.”</p><p>-o-</p><p>Lucy pulled in a deep breath and relaxed further into Maggie.</p><p>It was, ultimately, a good night.</p><p>Maggie had taken her on an impromptu date for froyo, then they had queued up Xena.</p><p>The DVD had ended a while back, however, and the menu music was playing over and over again as Lucy hovered somewhere between asleep and awake as she lay on top of Maggie, as Maggie’s fingers kept steady rhythm playing with her hair.</p><p>The peace, however, was broken by a knock.</p><p>Frantic.</p><p>Loud.</p><p>Lucy groaned.</p><p>“Maybe whoever it is will go away,” Maggie mumbled.</p><p>But they knocked again, far too soon.</p><p>Lucy pushed herself up with a huff.</p><p>“I got it.”</p><p>“You sure?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>She yawned as she crossed the apartment, intentionally stretching more than necessary in case Maggie was watching her.</p><p>The person knocked again right as Lucy reached the door.</p><p>She cracked it open, closed it, undid the chain lock, and opened the door fully.</p><p>"Alex?”</p><p>Alex with Ditto and...</p><p>“Oh my God."</p><p>She ushered Alex inside, trying to not stare at the growing bruise around her eye, at the red marks around her neck. She looked out into the hallway, checking both sides. She grabbed the purse Alex had dropped, then stepped back inside, closing the door and locking it fully.</p><p>She followed a step behind as Maggie guided Alex to the couch.</p><p>They both held their questions back.</p><p>The main one didn’t need answering anyway, they had a basic idea of what happened.</p><p>They got Alex to the couch. Maggie sat next to her, slowly beginning to ask as Lucy went to grab an ice pack and the first aid kit.</p><p>Alex barely seemed to be answering when Lucy got back. She barely seemed to be responding to anything. Her eyes were glued to the table in front of the couch and her jaw trembled ever so slightly.</p><p>Lucy sat on the table - Alex blinked when she entered her line of sight - and set the kit next to her.</p><p>Maggie reached out, carefully, slowly, and rested a hand on Alex’s arm.</p><p>“Can I hold onto Ditto?” Maggie asked.</p><p>Alex flinched. Alex squeezed her eyes shut. Alex’s hold on Ditto tightened.</p><p>Ditto whimpered.</p><p>“Alex?” Lucy softly said. “Can you look at me?”</p><p>It took a few moments, but Alex opened her eyes again, met Lucy’s gaze.</p><p>“We just want to help you, okay?”</p><p>Alex blinked. Blinked.</p><p>“Maggie can look at your injuries, but we can’t do that while you’re holding Ditto.”</p><p>Alex’s grip tightened even more.</p><p>“I can hold him right here,” Lucy continued, gesturing to her spot on the table. “He won’t leave your sight.”</p><p>The tremble in Alex’s jaw strengthened.</p><p>“Check him first,” she whispered.</p><p>Her voice was low, ragged.</p><p>Lucy nodded as dread plummeted into the pit of her gut.</p><p>Slowly, slowly, slowly, Alex let her pull Ditto away. Maggie helped loosen his grip on Alex’s shirt.</p><p>And Lucy was holding Ditto.</p><p>She noted the way Alex instantly pulled her arm back, cradling it against her body, but kept her focus on Ditto.</p><p>With his face no longer buried in his mother’s shirt, she could see the tear tracks and snot running down his face.</p><p>“Hey, Ditto,” she said.</p><p>He looked up at her and the fear in his eyes made her way to pull him in like Alex had.</p><p>“Did you get hurt anywhere tonight?”</p><p>He shook his head and the dread loosened slightly.</p><p>“Can I check, to make sure?”</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>“I’ll need to take your shirt and pants off, okay? Your shirt first.”</p><p>He nodded again.</p><p>She pulled his shirt off, careful of the sleeve around his cast.</p><p>No bruises. No bumps. No cuts or scratches.</p><p>“Now your pants.”</p><p>Shoes and socks first, which he insisted on taking off himself, which Lucy took to be a good sign. Then he was in his diaper.</p><p>No bruises. No bumps. No cuts or scratches.</p><p>“Not hurt at all,” she said to him as she looked up at Alex.</p><p>Alex’s eyes were wide, searching as she took in every inch of Ditto.</p><p>Ditto looked up at Lucy.</p><p>“Mommy hurt.”</p><p>Lucy’s heart ached. “Yeah, baby, Mommy’s hurt, but we’re going to take care of her, okay?”</p><p>He nodded. “Can I help?”</p><p>She smiled at him. “You can help by staying with me, okay?”</p><p>Which, yes, but did they want him seeing all of Alex’s injuries?</p><p>“What if,” Lucy slowly started, looking at Alex, “Ditto and I watch a movie? We’ll stay right here, just turn around.”</p><p>Alex’s eyes flicked from her to the TV and back. She nodded. “Okay.”</p><p>Lucy carried Ditto to the TV and sat in front of the cabinet it sat on. She opened it, revealing part of their movie collection. </p><p>She pulled out ones more suited for children, presenting them to Ditto until he chose.</p><p>
  <em> A Bug’s Life </em>
</p><p>She pushed the VHS tape into the player, then moved so she was sitting on the table again, but facing away from Alex and Maggie.</p><p>Ditto lasted barely twenty minutes into the movie before passing out.</p><p>Still keeping a hold on him, Lucy moved so she could see Alex.</p><p>Maggie had convinced her to take her shirt off, leaving her in her bra and revealing so much.</p><p>“I think your arm is broken,” Maggie slowly said, fingers brushing over a dark bruise on Alex’s arm.</p><p>Alex nodded.</p><p>They would need to get her to a hospital, but it might have to wait until she calmed even further.</p><p>“Is there anything else?” Maggie asked.</p><p>Alex shook her head.</p><p>“Okay.” Maggie took a deep breath. “Let’s get your shirt back on. You three keep watching the movie. I need to go make some calls.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Alex.”</p><p>“Please.”</p><p>Maggie glanced to Lucy, pleading. They had to do something. They had to help her. There was no more going at her pace.</p><p>Maggie was a cop.</p><p>Lucy was in his chain of command.</p><p>“How about,” Lucy said. “Your mom and sister are in town now, right?”</p><p>Alex flinched, but nodded. “My phone is in my purse.”</p><p>Maggie left to go get it.</p><p>Alex picked up her shirt and stared at it.</p><p>“Do you want something else to change into?” Lucy asked.</p><p>“You don’t have to…” Alex started.</p><p>“Please, Alex.”</p><p>Alex nodded.</p><p>Lucy stood, Ditto asleep in her arms. She laid him on the couch.</p><p>When she returned, Maggie was on Alex’s phone. Lucy listened as she helped Alex change.</p><p>“No, sorry, my name is Maggie, I’m a friend of Alex’s.”</p><p>.</p><p>“She’s, uh, well, it’s probably best if you come over.”</p><p>.</p><p>“No, she’s not at home.”</p><p>Maggie gave their address and the call ended soon after.</p><p>There wasn’t much talking as they waited, just <em> A Bug’s Life </em>keeping them all mildly captivated.</p><p>It didn’t take nearly as long as they expected before there was knocking at the door again.</p><p>Maggie opened the door, let them inside.</p><p>The older woman was instantly at Alex’s side.</p><p>The younger hung back, fists clenching and unclenching at her side.</p><p>Lucy watched Alex and her mom for a few moments as Alex devolved into tears. She watched Ditto, still asleep. She watched Maggie, clearly torn between staying and going to call a friend at the precinct.</p><p>She stepped towards Alex’s sister, Kara, if she remembered right.</p><p>“Does Alex like hot chocolate?”</p><p>Kara blinked, turned to Lucy.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Does Alex like hot chocolate?”</p><p>“Um, yeah?”</p><p>Lucy smiled. “Come on.”</p><p>She headed towards the kitchen, trusting the girl to follow her.</p><p>She trusted right.</p><p>Kara’s hands shook as they worked.</p><p>She overshot the milk as she poured it into the pot.</p><p>She dropped a mug, but caught it before it hit the floor.</p><p>She burst open a packet of powder mix.</p><p>Her hands shook, but they were shaking less by the end than they had when they started.</p><p>They carried the mugs over on plates.</p><p>Alex had stopped crying and was leaning into her mother’s side.</p><p>Ditto had woken up. He was in Alex’s lap, but reached for Kara as they approached.</p><p>“Not right now, Dit,” Kara carefully said. “Why don’t you stay with your mom? It’ll make her feel better.”</p><p>Ditto nodded and settled again, curling up in Alex’s lap.</p><p>###</p><p>"Can I look?"</p><p>The words clawed at Alex's throat and she ignored the multiple disapproving looks she knew she was getting for speaking them. The doctor had warned her against speaking too much for a bit, but she couldn't not speak to Ditto.</p><p>"No," Ditto replied.</p><p>Alex sighed and didn't turn to look. Instead, she continued to watch the happenings in the kitchen.</p><p>Kara and Lucy had been put on potato duty, but Maggie was showing Eliza a Chanukah recipe she used every year.</p><p>"Okay, now we need three tablespoons of the orange juice and zest."</p><p>"The rest of the juice is for the honey, yes?" Eliza asked as she added the requested ingredients.</p><p>"Exactly. Now the rest of the water."</p><p>"You said your aunt taught you this recipe?" Eliza asked.</p><p>"Yeah." Maggie put the spoon down and started to knead the dough by hand. "It’s a family recipe. They’ve always had bimuelos on Chanukah. Her mother-in-law taught her after she and my uncle had been married for five years. Can you oil the clean bowl?"</p><p>"Okay, Mommy. You can look."</p><p>Ditto's voice instantly grabbed Alex's attention. She turned to him and her cast, which he had spent the last twenty minutes drawing on.</p><p>"It's beautiful, baby."</p><p>He pointed to each figure. "It's lion and wolf and el-phant and turt and nother turt and seagull."</p><p>Alex reached over with her good arm, gently pulled his head towards her so she could kiss the side of his head.</p><p>“Alright,” Eliza said. “I think it’s time to light the menorah.”</p><p>They all moved to the living room, Eliza carrying Ditto to keep Alex from doing so with her cast.</p><p>Maggie’s menorah was set up on the table in front of the window.</p><p>It was different from the ones Alex had grown up with. Instead of the nine candle holders on top of the silver branches, small glass cups sat on top of a cut metal design of vines and pomegranates.</p><p>Maggie picked up the bottle of olive oil and turned to Eliza.</p><p>“Would you like to light?”</p><p>Eliza smiled. “Thank you, but it’s always been our tradition for the youngest to light.” She tickled Ditto’s stomach lightly, softened her voice as she continued speaking, as if talking to Ditto. “Perhaps we don’t give the toddler in a cast a lit match?”</p><p>Ditto giggled.</p><p>Kara shifted closer to Alex, wrapped an arm around her. Alex leaned into her.</p><p>Maggie began to pour oil into the cups. First the cup on the far right, then the shammash, raised in the center. She dropped floating wicks into each cup.</p><p>Then she began to sing the bracha.</p><p>“Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech haolam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tsivanu l’hadlik ner shel Hanukkah.”</p><p>Alex stared at the oil.</p><p>She thought of the miracle, of the oil for one night lasting all eight.</p><p>“Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech haolam, she-asah nisim la’avoteinu bayamim hahem bazman hazeh.”</p><p>She thought of the flickering light, flickering hope at the end of a seemingly hopeless war.</p><p>“Baruch atah adonai elohenu melech ha’olam, shehecheyanu, v’kiyimanu, v’higiyanu lazman hazeh.”</p><p>She thought of the Maccabees and their fight and their refusal to submit to the Greek culture.</p><p>Maggie lit a match, the shammash, the first candle.</p><p>Eliza easily slid into the Heneirot Halalu.</p><p>Alex watched the flames flicker and thought and thought and felt Kara next to her and heard Ditto repeating words and maybe there was a better home for her.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Detailed warnings:</p><p>Alex is in an abusive marriage with a man. The abuse includes gaslighting, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. Part of the abuse also includes him trying to force her away from Judaism and trying to stop her from raising their son Jewish, specifically centered around Chanukah and Christmas. A very limited amount of physical abuse is actually shown in the story, but the aftermath is there, both the physical and mental.<br/>There are references and mentions of Alex and her husband having sex. Alex is clearly not comfortable.<br/>In trying to get her pregnant again, he messes with her birth control.</p><p>Early in the story Alex's son is injured due to his father sending him into a situation he is too young for and not keeping track of him. Much later in the story, his father threatens him and tries to go after him in an attempt to punish Alex. Beyond the injury in the beginning, her son is never hurt, and he is never directly hurt by his father.</p><p>Maggie does talk in one scene about the abuse she received from her father as a child.</p><p>There is one instance of a homophobic slur. The story takes place in 2008, so Don't Ask, Don't Tell is in place and something Lucy is dealing with.<br/>Alex has a good dose of internalized homophobia and compulsory heterosexuality. She has figured out she's attracted to women, but hasn't realized she doesn't like men. She is still a lesbian, she just hasn't realized it yet.</p><p>Again, if you do not think you should read this fic, please don't. Taking care of yourself is more important than anything.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Eleven years later</strong>
</p><p>The social worker led Ditto around a corner. His mom and Lucy were sitting on a bench against the wall, a painfully careful space between them. His mom noticed him instantly, her shoulders relaxing.</p><p>She stood as they approached.</p><p>"Dr. Danvers," Steph said.</p><p>Ditto didn't miss the small smile his mother couldn't help at the honorific.</p><p>"How'd it go?" his mom asked, directed at both him and Steph.</p><p>"There were no issues," Steph answered. "I'll see you next month."</p><p>And she was gone.</p><p>His mother turned fully to him with a raised eyebrow.</p><p>He shrugged. "It was weird.”</p><p>“Weird?” his mom prodded.</p><p>“Yeah. I mean, I haven’t seen him in three years and it’s not like I wanted to be there…”</p><p>“Ditto,” she warned.</p><p>He rolled his eyes but didn’t argue.</p><p>He used to not understand why she didn’t want him saying he didn’t want to see his dad. They got into a fight about it after the court granted Rick visitation.</p><p>Maggie had explained it to him, told him about when he was four or five and told Rick’s lawyer he didn’t want to see him because of his mom. They had managed to twist it as his mom intentionally trying to turn him against Rick.</p><p>Ditto knew it was really just him always knowing the piece of shit his father was, but understood why his mom might be scared of it happening again.</p><p>Even if he thought he was allowed to say whatever he wanted about the piece of shit man who went to jail for abusing his mother.</p><p>“But,” he continued. “He kept asking what sports I do, and when I told him I just surf and skateboard he tried to convince me to try football.”</p><p>Ditto hated football. He mostly hated the way everyone expected everyone to love football.</p><p>His mother rolled her eyes. “Of course he did.”</p><p>She looked at him for a moment, then pulled him into a hug.</p><p>“I love you,” she whispered.</p><p>He sunk into her arms.</p><p>He would never tell her, but Rick had had more than a few snide comments.</p><p>About her.</p><p>About their family.</p><p>About how she was raising him.</p><p>About how she was keeping them apart.</p><p>He had told Steph about it - if Lucy had taught him anything, it was to leave a paper trail - but there was no need to stress his mom out.</p><p>“Alright, we need to get home,” his mom said.</p><p>She draped an arm over his shoulder as they walked through the building, out to the street. Lucy stayed a step behind.</p><p>Ditto hated it, hated how she and Maggie had to stay a step back, a step away, in public. He knew why - between Lucy’s job and Rick’s constant attempt for custody, it could be used against them too many ways - he just hated it</p><p>Adults were stupid, he figured, for making them unable to be themselves in public.</p><p>As soon as they were in the car, Lucy reached across the front seat and squeezed Alex’s hand.</p><p>His mother didn’t ask anything else about the hour he spent with Rick. Not that there was much else to say.</p><p>Rick had bought him a cheeseburger, which Ditto couldn’t eat. Rick had asked him about school, but clearly didn’t actually care. After the football stuff, they had run out of things to talk about entirely and Ditto had just picked at his fries for the last twenty minutes.</p><p>But, it was over and he didn’t have to go through it again for a month.</p><p>There wasn’t much talking on the drive home, just the radio playing. They hit traffic part way through and Ditto pulled his phone out.</p><p>He texted some friends, jumped from game to game, until they finally pulled into the apartment parking lot.</p><p>He noted Aunt Kara’s car and Maggie’s bike as they walked to enter the building. His excitement grew as they rode the elevator up. As soon as he was through the door to his and his mom’s apartment, he was pulled into a hug.</p><p>Aunt Kara pulled him into the apartment, talking a mile a minute.</p><p>Ditto settled into the warmth of the apartment, and let himself be led to the kitchen. He took the potato Maggie held out for him, but watched as she made her way to Lucy and Alex.</p><p>They all exchanged quick kisses.</p><p>Ditto smiled as he turned his attention to the potatoes. He and Aunt Kara grated as Maggie worked on the dough for her bimuelos.</p><p>They talked about Ditto’s classes, about the project he had to present the next day. They talked about the trick he was trying to land on his board. They teased him when he let slip about a crush, but he refused to give more details.</p><p>Across the apartment, his mom and Lucy were cleaning the menorahs from the previous night’s lighting.</p><p>Maggie finished kneading her dough and left it in a bowl to rest before joining Alex and Lucy. Ditto would complain about them just standing around as he worked on the potatoes, but he was happy for the moment with just Aunt Kara.</p><p>“Do you have them?” he asked.</p><p>Aunt Kara nodded. “Of course I do.”</p><p>“Thank you so much for helping.”</p><p>“I’m happy to.”</p><p>“Alright,” Maggie said. “Let’s get lit!”</p><p>Ditto groaned. “Don’t say that.”</p><p>“You are thirteen, you are not allowed to know what that really means,” his mom cut in.</p><p>Ditto didn’t say that he didn’t actually know what it meant, but kids at school said it all the time. He just crossed the apartment and took the bottle of oil.</p><p>He filled each cup on the menorah, holding his breath with each pour to not spill. He set the bottle down and took the box of matches from his mom.</p><p>Maggie started singing first, but they all joined her.</p><p>Ditto struck the first match as they finished.</p><p>He lit the shammash, then the eighth candle, then the seventh, and on until they were all lit.</p><p>His mom hugged him from behind, kissed his cheek. “Ani ohevet ot’h’a.”</p><p>“Alright,” Kara said. “Let’s eat.”</p><p>Ditto waited through the latkes, through the rounds of dreidel, until they were preparing to make the bimuelos.</p><p>“I, uh, got you all some stuff.”</p><p>They all turned to him, questioning.</p><p>“They hadn’t all arrived when we did gifts on Sunday," he explained.</p><p>Kara was gone and back in a second, holding three small boxes. He handed them out and watched nervously.</p><p>His mom held hers, watching the other two.</p><p>Maggie pulled hers out first. A necklace, a gold heart with a pomegranate design, her Hebrew initials engraved on it.</p><p>She stepped towards Ditto, pulled him into a hug.</p><p>“I love it, thank you.”</p><p>She pulled back and Lucy instantly took her spot, the Scale of Justice tallit clips in her hands.</p><p>Then Ditto was staring at his mom as she stared in the box.</p><p>“Do you like it?” he asked.</p><p>His mom nodded as she slowly picked the necklace up. A silver pendent with the Shema engraved on it and a small aquamarine - his birthstone - embedded in the bottom.</p><p>She looked up. Tears were welling in her eyes, before he could ask about them, she was hugging him.</p><p>“I love you so much.”</p><p>She pulled away enough to look at his face. She brushed his hair back. She just stared at him for a few moments before pulling him into another hug.</p><p>“You beat us to it, kid,” Lucy said.</p><p>His mom pulled back.</p><p>Lucy was holding a gift bag.</p><p>“This is from Maggie and me.”</p><p>His mom kept an arm around him as he reached into the bag.</p><p>A stone tortoise.</p><p>The one that had been sitting on Lucy’s shelf as long as he could remember. He had loved it just as long.</p><p>“I know you’ll take care of it,” Lucy said.</p><p>He nodded, fighting back his own tears. “I will. I promise.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>and that's it.<br/>I hope you all liked it. Leave a comment and let me know what you thought?</p><p>Big shout out to Moose and Aide and Meghan for letting me ramble ideas and read through scenes as I wrote and to J for reading it at the end as a full piece. Y'all are amazing.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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